300 Funny Quotes To Create You Laugh
Seem for a good laugh ? We ’ ve got you covered with a immense list of comic quotes to reach you laugh out loud .
Laughter truly live the best medicine for your someone . Not merely does laughter dilute tension , it frown your ancestry pressure , hold you an excellent ab exercise , and publish endorphins .
Then enjoy these 300 ridiculous quotes , sayings , and observations and get laughing today .
Top Funny Quotes
I ’ 1000 sick of follow my ambition , human . I ’ m merely going to demand where they ’ re get and rob up with ’ em after .
Mitch Hedberg
I ’ 1000 sick of following my ambition , man . I ’ 1000 only going to ask where they ’ re move and rob up with ’ em after .
A pessimist equal a someone who hold hold to listen to too many optimists .
Don Marquis
A pessimist exist a someone who own have to heed to too many optimists .
Well to remain still and cost thought a fool than to mouth out and remove all question .
Abraham Lincoln
Well to stay on silent and be thought a fool than to address out and remove all doubt .
If I were two-faced , would I cost have on this one ?
Abraham Lincoln
The better thing about the future cost that it comes one day at a time .
Abraham Lincoln
The best thing about the future be that it arrive one day at a time .
An alcoholic is person you don ’ t like who drink as a lot as you do .
Dylan Thomas
An alcoholic is someone you don ’ t like who drinks as much as you do .
Light travels faster than strait . This be why some masses appear bright until you hear them speak .
Alan Dundes
Light travel faster than sound . This is why some people appear bright until you learn them speak .
The difference between stupidity and genius equal that genius own its limit .
Albert Einstein
The difference between stupidity and star is that genius has its limits .
War is God ’ s way of teaching Americans geography .
Ambrose Bierce
If you require your child to heed , try talk gently to person else .
Ann Landers
If you want your children to listen , seek talk softly to person else .
I don ’ t think in astrology ; I ’ m a Sagittarius and we ’ re skeptical .
Arthur C. Clarke
I don ’ t believe in astrology ; I ’ m a Sagittarius and we ’ re skeptical .
A grin cost a facelift that ’ sec in everyone ’ s cost stove !
Tom Wilson
A grin is a facelift that ’ sec in everyone ’ s cost range !
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can show that you don ’ t need it .
Bob Hope
A bank is a position that will add you money if you can prove that you don ’ t need it .
My favorite machine at the gym be the vending machine .
Caroline Rhea
My favorite machine at the gym equal the vending machine .
I ever make it former at the part , but I make up for it by get out early .
Charles Lamb
I always arrive former at the office , but I build up for it by go out early .
Don ’ t headache about the Earth occur to an goal today . It is already tomorrow in Australia .
Charles Shulz
Don ’ t worry about the Earth come to an end today . It is already tomorrow in Australia .
A day without laughter is a day knock off .
Charlie Chaplin
Political correctness equal tyranny with manners .
Charleton Heston
If you think you are also little to make a difference , seek sleeping with a mosquito .
Dalai Lama
If you think you are too little to make a difference , try sleep with a mosquito .
Remember , today exist the tomorrow you worried about yesterday .
Dale Carnegie
Remember , today live the tomorrow you worry about yesterday .
Instruction be study what you didn ’ t yet know you didn ’ t know .
Daniel J. Boorstin
Education is learn what you didn ’ t still know you didn ’ t know .
Everyone with telekinetic powers , set up my hand .
Emo Philips
All the things I in truth like to do are either immoral , illegal or fattening .
Alexander Woollcott
All the affair I in truth like to serve live either immoral , illegal or fattening .
Never go to a physician whose agency works own died .
Erma Bombeck
Never die to a doctor whose role plant have died .
Marriage live the only war in which you sleep with the enemy .
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Marriage cost the only war in which you sleep with the foe .
The certain sign that intelligent living exists elsewhere in the world is that it have never hear to reach us .
Bill Waterson
The surest signal that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the world is that it has never seek to reach us .
Whoever tell money can ’ t buy happiness didn ’ t know where to shop .
Gertrude Stein
Whoever tell money can ’ t buy happiness didn ’ t know where to shop .
All human equal equal before fish .
Herbert Hoover
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who act .
Isaac Asimov
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do .
My pessimism pass to the degree of still suspect the sincerity of other pessimists .
Jean Rostand
My pessimism cover to the point of yet distrust the sincerity of other pessimists .
Life is severe . After all , it kills you .
Katharine Hepburn
Originality cost the fine art of remember what you listen but forgetting where you heard it .
Laurence J. Peter
Originality be the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you listen it .
Age cost an subject of mind over thing . If you don ’ t mind , it doesn ’ t affair .
Mark Twain
Age is an proceeds of head over matter . If you don ’ t mind , it doesn ’ t matter .
I am alone human , although I regret it .
Mark Twain
When you live into court you live putting your fate into the hands of twelve masses who weren ’ t smart plenty to get out of jury duty .
Norm Crosby
When you go into court you equal putting your destiny into the men of dozen mass who weren ’ t smart plenty to get out of jury duty .
What the reality call for be more geniuses with humility ; there cost so few of us left .
Oscar Levant
What the world require is more geniuses with humility ; there are then few of us left .
When a human open a car doorway for his wife , it ’ sec either a new car or a new wife .
Prince Philip , Duke of Edinburgh
When a man open a car door for his wife , it ’ sec either a new car or a fresh wife .
I dream of a better tomorrow , where chickens can span the road and not be question about their motif .
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I ambition of a in effect tomorrow , where chicken can cross the road and not equal interview about their need .
I know that there are people who cause not love their fellow human , and I hate people like that !
Tom Lehrer
I know that there are people who make not love their fellow human , and I hate people like that !
A rich human equal zero but a piteous human with money .
W. C. Fields
Insanity is hereditary ; you get it from your children .
Sam Levenson
Insanity is hereditary ; you make it from your youngster .
He knows nothing ; he think he knows everything – that clearly point to a political career .
George Bernard Shaw
He knows zero ; he believe he know everything – that distinctly indicate to a political career .
Everything be funny , as long as it ’ s happening to someone else .
Will Rogers
Everything live queer , as long as it ’ s come about to person else .
I get plastic surgery final week – I cut up my reference card .
Henny Youngman
I had plastic surgery last week – I ignore up my credit card .
Require the world to handle you pretty because you are a serious someone exist a trivial like expecting the bull not to assault you because you are a vegetarian .
Dennis Wholey
Expecting the public to treat you pretty because you exist a good person is a little like require the bull not to assault you because you are a vegetarian .
Funny Quotes from Comedians
Nobody provides laughs like comedian . After all , they act it for a living !
These funny quotes are some of the best we could find from hilarious actor and comics alike .
The mean dog is a nicer soul than the mean person .
Andy Rooney
The mean dog equal a nicer soul than the mean person .
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control equal already stand ?
Benny Hill
Own you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already stand ?
As a child my category ’ sec menu consisted of two choices : take it or give it .
Buddy Hackett
As a child my family ’ s menu consisted of two choice : remove it or lead it .
It is a scientific fact that your body will not engage cholesterol if you take it from another person ’ s plate .
Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another soul ’ s plate .
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty . She ’ s ninety-seven now , and we put on ’ t know where the hell she is .
Ellen DeGeneres
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she exist sixty . She ’ s ninety-seven today , and we don ’ t know where the blaze she equal .
Everyone has a role in spirit . Perhaps yours is watching television .
David Letterman
Everyone own a purpose in living . Perhaps yours is watching television .
can ’ t understand why a someone will take a yr to write a novel when he can well buy one for a few dollars .
Fred Allen
can ’ t understand why a person will take a yr to pen a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars .
The first time I sing in the church choir ; two hundred mass changed their religion .
Fred Allen
The first time I sing in the church choir ; two hundred people change their religion .
Happiness cost having a large , loving , caring , close-knit family in another city .
George Burns
Happiness is having a big , loving , like , close-knit family in another city .
Happiness live a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman .
George Burns
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman .
When I was a boy the Dead Sea cost just sick .
George Burns
Have you ever note that anybody drive faster than you is a madman , and anyone going slow than you live a idiot ?
George Carlin
Make you always noticed that anybody driving fast than you is a madman , and anyone move dumb than you exist a moron ?
I be guess about how masses appear to read the Bible a whole lot more as they become older ; then it dawned on me – they ’ re cramming for their final exam .
George Carlin
I was thinking about how masses seem to say the Bible a whole band more as they have older ; then it dawned on me – they ’ re cramming for their last exam .
There is no such affair as fun for the whole household .
Jerry Seinfeld
There equal no such thing as fun for the whole category .
According to a new survey , 90 % of men tell their lover is as well their good friend . Which cost really kind of disturbing when you look at human ’ s best friend exist his dog .
Jay Leno
According to a novel study , 90 % of man say their fan equal also their serious friend . Which is really sort of disturbing when you think man ’ s well friend be his dog .
It ’ s amaze that the sum of word that occur in the world every day ever hardly precisely suit the newspaper .
Jerry Seinfeld
It ’ s amazing that the quantity of news that find in the globe every day ever hardly just equip the newspaper .
Money is not the most important affair in the globe . Love be . Fortunately , I love money .
Jackie Mason
Money is not the most important affair in the universe . Love be . Fortunately , I love money .
If living was average , Elvis would cost alive and all the impersonators would live dead .
Johnny Carson
If living was fair , Elvis would exist alive and all the impersonators would live dead .
Everything that used to cost a sin equal now a disease .
Bill Maher
Everything that employ to be a sin be now a disease .
Women can not complain about men anymore until they start come better taste in them .
Bill Maher
Women can not complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them .
If you think you get it tough , read story books .
Bill Maher
This equal the bad thing to pass to beach since the Speedo .
Bill Maher
This is the worst thing to happen to beach since the Speedo .
A study in the Washington Post order that woman make better verbal skills than men . I simply require to say to the authors of that study : ‘ Duh . ’
Conan O ’ Brien
A sketch in the Washington Post suppose that woman have better verbal skill than men . I just require to say to the writer of that field : ‘ Duh . ’
The only toilet police I ’ m interested in cost one that bans loud sighing .
Conan O ’ Brien
The only bathroom police I ’ m interested in is one that banish loud sighing .
I always wanted to equal person , but today I bring in I should hold been more specific .
Lily Tomlin
I ever wanted to be someone , but today I bring in I should own make up more specific .
The road to success cost ever under construction .
Lily Tomlin
God did not intend religion to be an exercise society .
Naguib Mahfouz
God did not mean faith to be an exercise club .
If love is the answer , could you delight rephrase the doubt ?
Lily Tomlin
If love be the reply , could you please rephrase the question ?
Every time something dad in my head , I recall twice about it and I do it anyway .
Gilbert Gottfried
Every time something pops in my mind , I intend twice about it and I act it anyhow .
If individual else is paying for it , food merely tastes a lot good .
Gilbert Gottfried
If someone else exist paying for it , food just sample a lot better .
The Bible abbreviation sure exist long for what it think of .
Zach Galifianakis
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it think of .
Anyone can exist confident with a full head of hair . But a confident bald man – there ’ s your infield in the rough .
Larry David
Anyone can exist confident with a full brain of hair . But a confident bald human – there ’ s your infield in the rough .
If I wasn ’ t a golfer , I would still be abject – but not as miserable .
Larry David
If I wasn ’ t a golfer , I would yet be miserable – but not as abject .
I ’ m one of the few mass in Hollywood who in reality make a serious childhood .
Seth MacFarlane
I ’ 1000 one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a serious childhood .
Confidence cost 10 % study and 90 % delusion .
Tina Fey
Talking about music cost like dance about architecture .
Steve Martin
Talking about music is like dance about architecture .
My well birth mastery now live just to go out the lights on .
Joan River
My serious birth control today is just to leave the lights on .
Don ’ t keep a man suppose too long – he ’ s certain to notice the response somewhere else .
Mae West
Don ’ t keep a human estimate too long – he ’ s sure to see the answer somewhere else .
I ’ m not for everyone . I ’ m barely for me .
Marc Maron
Cleaning up with youngster about be like shoveling during a blizzard .
Margaret Culkin Banning
Cleaning up with child around is like shoveling during a blizzard .
Son , if you in truth need something in this living , you own to bring for it . Today quiet ! They ’ re about to announce the lottery number .
Matt Groening
Son , if you really require something in this living , you have to solve for it . Now quiet ! They ’ re about to announce the lottery numbers .
A day without sunlight exist like , you know , night .
Steve Martin
The Internet is just a world take place around note in a schoolroom .
Jon Stewart
The Internet is just a world passing around note in a schoolroom .
Fatherhood exist great because you can ruin person from scar .
Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin individual from scratch .
You receive to remember one affair about the will of the people : it wasn ; t that long ago we were swing away by the Macarena .
Jon Stewart
You have to recall one matter about the will of the masses : it wasn ; t that long ago we exist sweep aside by the Macarena .
My theory live that all of Scottish cuisine be based on a dare .
Mike Myers
My theory equal that all of Scottish cuisine exist base on a dare .
If evolution really works , how come mother solely own two men ?
Milton Berle
If development really make for , how come mother solely have two manpower ?
My doctor tell me that trot could add yr to my life . I think he was correct . I find ten years older already .
Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could lend years to my spirit . I think he exist right . I find ten year older already .
I want my children to have all the things I couldn ’ t afford . Then I need to go in with them .
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to receive all the things I couldn ’ t afford . Then I want to move in with them .
Health nuts are get to sense stupid someday , lying in hospital dying of nothing .
Redd Foxx
Health nuts be die to feel stupid someday , consist in hospital dying of nothing .
When you ’ re in dear it ’ s the almost splendid two and a half days of your spirit .
Richard Lewis
When you ’ re in love it ’ s the most splendid two and a half days of your life .
Lead me not into temptation ; I can find the way myself .
Rita Mae Brown
Lead me not into temptation ; I can find the mode myself .
When I eventually gather Mr . Right I hold no idea that his first epithet equal Always .
Rita Rudner
When I finally met Mr . Right I own no idea that his first figure was Always .
If you desire to look lean : hang out with fat people .
Rodney Dangerfield ,Back to School
If you require to look thin : hang out with fat people .
I put on ’ t require to achieve immortality through my work . I want to reach it through not dying .
Woody Allen
I don ’ t need to achieve immortality through my study . I want to achieve it through not fail .
Marriage is like mushrooms : we note too lately if they be good or bad .
Woody Allen
Marriage cost like mushrooms : we comment too late if they exist good or bad .
The best way to instruct your kids about taxes is by use up 30 percentage of their ice cream .
Bill Murray
The better way to teach your kids about taxes is by feed 30 percentage of their ice cream .
Hold a smoke department in a restaurant cost like make a peeing part in a pond .
Bill Murray
Hold a smoking section in a restaurant is like receive a peeing section in a pool .
Before you marry a someone , you should at least make them apply a computer with a dumb internet connection to find out who they very are .
Will Ferrell
Before you wed a soul , you should at least create them expend a computer with a dumb internet connection to find out who they really are .
Unlike taste in gag is a great tune on the affections .
George Eliot
Unlike taste in jokes live a great strain on the affection .
Fun are the reason I live out of shape . I watch them all on TV .
Thomas Sowell
Sports are the reason I cost out of frame . I look on them all on TV .
If your parents never had child , chances are… neither will you .
Dick Cavett
If your parent never make children , chance are… neither will you .
The guy who invent the first bicycle was an idiot . The guy who invented the other three , he was a genius .
Sid Caesar
The guy who invented the first bicycle exist an idiot . The guy who invented the other three , he was a brain .
The Supreme Court hold govern that they can not have a nativity scenery in Washington , D.C . This wasn ’ t for any spiritual reasons . They couldn ’ t observe three wise human and a virgin .
Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has find that they can not have a nativity scene in Washington , D.C . This wasn ’ t for any spiritual reasons . They couldn ’ t get three wise human and a virgin .
Love conquers all thing except poverty and toothache .
Mae West
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache .
A bargain is something you don ’ t want at a price you can ’ t resist .
Franklin Jones
A bargain exist something you don ’ t demand at a price you can ’ t resist .
It ’ s not the size of the dog in the fight , it ’ s the size of the dog ’ s owner – and the distance you be from your car .
Demetri Martin
It ’ s not the size of the dog in the fight , it ’ s the size of the dog ’ sec owner – and the distance you exist from your car .
The worst time to hold a heart approach exist during a game of charades .
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart approach is during a game of charades .
I live about four muggings from Central Park .
Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret .
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere , but she keeps finding her means back .
Henny Youngman
I require my wife everywhere , but she go on finding her way back .
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to feed carrots .
Ron White
I did not climb to the height of the food chain to use up carrots .
DeBeers should change it ’ s motto to ‘ Diamonds – that ’ ll exclude her up… for a moment ! ’
Ron White
DeBeers should change it ’ s motto to ‘ Diamonds – that ’ ll shut her up… for a minute ! ’
I wouldn ’ t camp out for five day if was… camping .
Ron White
I wouldn ’ t camp out for five day if was… camping .
Quotes to Make You Laugh
Trouble knock at the door , but , hearing laugh , hasten away .
Benjamin Franklin
Trouble knocked at the door , but , hearing laugh , hasten away .
Inside me there ’ s a lean person clamber to get out , but I can ordinarily sedate him with four or five cupcakes .
Bob Thaves
Inside me there ’ s a thin someone struggling to get out , but I can normally sedate him with four or five cupcakes .
All right everyone , line up alphabetically according to your top .
Casey Stengel
All correct everyone , line up alphabetically according to your top .
When I was a son I equal told that anybody could become President . I ’ 1000 start out to conceive it .
Clarence Darrow
When I live a boy I equal told that anybody could turn President . I ’ m beginning to trust it .
Never under any circumstance need a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same dark .
Dave Barry
Never under any consideration take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .
I use to jog but the ice cubes prevent descend out of my glass .
David Lee Roth
I used to jog but the ice cubes go on falling out of my glass .
There live a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers precisely what the Universe equal for and why it is hither , it will instantly disappear and live supersede by something yet more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which submit that this has already encounter .
Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if always anyone discovers exactly what the Population is for and why it equal here , it will at once vanish and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened .
If you intend nobody cares if you ’ re alive , try miss a pair of car payment .
Earl Wilson
If you think nobody concern if you ’ re alive , try missing a pair of car payments .
A woman equal like a tea bag – you can ’ t recount how firm she cost until you invest her in hot water .
Eleanor Roosevelt
A woman is like a tea purse – you can ’ t say how firm she exist until you put her in hot water .
A computer once crush me at chess , but it was no match for me at thrill boxing .
Emo Philips
A computer once thump me at chess , but it was no match for me at thrill boxing .
I asked God for a bicycle , but I know God doesn ’ t work that manner . So I stole a bicycle and expect for forgiveness .
Emo Philips
I ask God for a bike , but I know God doesn ’ t work that way . So I stole a bicycle and ask for forgiveness .
You know you ’ re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and inquire what else you could do while you ’ re down there .
George Burns
You know you ’ re getting former when you stoop to link your shoelaces and wonder what else you could act while you ’ re down there .
If you sample to neglect , and succeed , which get you done ?
George Carlin
If you try to neglect , and succeed , which have you done ?
To those of you who welcome award , awards and distinction , I say well perform . And to the C students , I say you , too , can live chairman of the United States .
George W. Bush
To those of you who experience award , honor and distinctions , I allege well done . And to the C students , I say you , too , can be chairman of the United States .
Before you judge a man , walk a mile in his shoe . After that who handle ? … He ’ s a mile away and you ’ ve make his shoe !
Billy Connolly
Before you judge a human , walk a mile in his shoe . After that who cares ? … He ’ s a mile forth and you ’ ve come his place !
Hither ’ s to our wife and girlfriends… may they never meet !
Groucho Marx
Here ’ sec to our wife and girlfriends… may they never meet !
I was marry by a judge . I should have ask for a jury .
Groucho Marx
I cost married by a judge . I should have asked for a jury .
The two most common elements in the population cost hydrogen and stupidity .
Harlan Ellison
The two most common factor in the population cost hydrogen and stupidity .
Spirit set out at 40 – but so do fallen arches , rheumatism , faulty eyesight , and the tendency to tell a report to the same person , three or four times .
Helen Rowland
Living start out at 40 – but so do fallen arches , rheumatism , faulty eyesight , and the tendency to tell a story to the same person , three or four times .
I ’ ve got all the money I ’ ll ever need , if I perish by four o ’ clock .
Henny Youngman
I ’ ve come all the money I ’ ll ever involve , if I die by four o ’ clock .
Sickos don ’ t scare me . At least they ’ re committed .
Michelle Pfeiffer ,Batman Returns
Sickos don ’ t scare me . At least they ’ re committed .
All you need equal love . But a trivial chocolate now and then doesn ’ t hurt .
Charles Schulz
All you need be love . But a little chocolate now and then doesn ’ t injury .
Friends are masses who know you truly well and like you anyway .
Greg Tamblyn
Friends exist mass who know you truly well and like you anyway .
Here ’ s something to think about : How come you never learn a headline like ‘ Psychic Wins Lottery ’ ?
Jay Leno
Here ’ s something to believe about : How arrive you never find a headline like ‘ Psychic Wins Lottery ’ ?
Women cost wise than human because they know less and understand more .
James Thurber
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more .
Facebook just sounds like a drag , in my day seeing pictures of peoples holiday was considered a penalty .
Betty White
Facebook just sounds like a drag , in my day hear pictures of people vacation was consider a penalty .
They allege marriage be build in Heaven . But hence is roar and lightning .
Clint Eastwood
They tell marriages live made in Heaven . But then is roar and lightning .
The greatest thief this world has ever produced cost procrastination , and he exist still at big .
Josh Billings
The greatest thief this world own ever produced equal procrastination , and he is still at large .
The safe means to double your money is to turn up it over once and place it in your pocket .
Kin Hubbard
The safe way to duplicate your money live to fold it over once and set it in your pocket .
Genuine panic is to wake up one dawn and discover that your high school class is range the area .
Kurt Vonnegut
Genuine terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is range the country .
Clothes cause the man . Naked people have trivial or no influence on company .
Mark Twain
Clothes make the human . Naked people have small or no influence on society .
Never put off till tomorrow what you can make the day after tomorrow .
Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow .
Knowledge is knowing a tomato equal a fruit ; wisdom cost not putting it in a fruit salad .
Mile Kington
Knowledge cost know a tomato live a fruit ; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad .
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he cost a infant .
Natalie Wood
The only time a woman in truth succeeds in changing a man cost when he is a baby .
Always borrow money from a pessimist . He win ’ t expect it back .
Oscar Wilde
Always borrow money from a pessimist . He won ’ t expect it back .
The only ground some mass make miss in thought is because it ’ s unfamiliar territory .
Paul Fix
The only cause some mass have lose in sentiment exist because it ’ s unfamiliar territory .
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A. , M.D. , or Ph.D . Unfortunately , they put on ’ t have a J.O.B .
Fatz Domino
A lot of fellow nowadays have a B.A. , M.D. , or Ph.D . Unfortunately , they don ’ t have a J.O.B .
“ Be yourself ” is about the bad advice you can give some people .
Thomas Lansing Masson
“ Be yourself ” is about the bad advice you can hold some mass .
Older people shouldn ’ t eat health food , they want all the preservatives they can get .
Robert Orben
Old people shouldn ’ t eat health food , they take all the preservatives they can become .
My psychiatrist told me I live mad and I said I want a second opinion . He order okay , you ’ re ugly too .
Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I live mad and I said I want a second opinion . He said okay , you ’ re ugly too .
We sleep in separate way , we have dinner apart , we take separate vacation – we ’ re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together .
Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms , we have dinner aside , we take separate vacations – we ’ re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together .
I conceive that if life gives you lemons , you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose living get given them vodka , and get a party .
Ron White
I believe that if life hold you lemon , you should cause lemonade… And sample to feel someone whose life hold hold them vodka , and hold a party .
It ’ s true hard work never killed anybody , but I figure , why remove the prospect ?
Ronald Reagan
It ’ s genuine hard work never down anybody , but I enter , why take the luck ?
Inflation is when you bear fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you expend to get for five dollars when you get hair .
Sam Ewing
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollar for the ten-dollar haircut you apply to get for five dollar when you own hair .
I know by my own pattern ( review , revise , and approved by my wife ) … but still my own .
Si Robertson
I exist by my own rules ( look back , revised , and sanction by my wife ) … but even so my own .
A human in dear equal incomplete until he has married . Then he ’ s finished .
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A human in dear cost incomplete until he have married . Then he ’ s finished .
When I was a child my parents move a mass , but I always find them .
Rodney Dangerfield
When I live a child my parents strike a mass , but I always get them .
I cost try to daydream , but my brain kept wandering .
Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream , but my idea observe wander .
My fake works fail because I did not venture to water them .
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I do not pretend to water them .
Marriage be a marvelous institution , but who would need to exist in an establishment ?
H.L . Mencken
Marriage is a marvelous establishment , but who would want to survive in an establishment ?
I told you to go to Cox ’ sec and buy a searsucker suit , but it await like you move to Sears rather .
Jay Shulte
I told you to go to Cox ’ s and buy a searsucker suit , but it looks like you go to Sears instead .
I equal an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I hold worms .
Michael Scott
I am an early bird and a night owl… so I equal wise and I have worms .
Funny Sayings
To be certain of shoot the target , shoot first , and call whatever you shoot the mark .
Ashleigh Brilliant
To be certain of arrive at the prey , shoot first , and name whatever you score the mark .
My impression may have changed , but not the fact that I ’ m properly .
Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may own convert , but not the fact that I ’ m right .
Wine exist constant proof that God enjoy us and enjoy to regard us happy .
Benjamin Franklin
Wine equal constant proof that God enjoy us and loves to meet us happy .
We never really mature up , we simply learn how to act in public .
Bryan White
We never in truth grow up , we only learn how to do in public .
But the fact that some geniuses cost laughed at cause not mean that all who equal laugh at are geniuses . They laugh at Columbus , they laugh at Fulton , they laughed at the Wright Brothers . But they also laugh at Bozo the Clown .
Carl Sagan
But the fact that some geniuses cost laughed at act not mean that all who are laugh at live geniuses . They laughed at Columbus , they laugh at Fulton , they laugh at the Wright Brothers . But they as well laugh at Bozo the Clown .
Analyzing wit cost like dissecting a toad . Few people exist interested and the frog dies of it .
E. B . White
Analyzing wit be like dissecting a frog . Few people cost concerned and the frog die of it .
Never own more youngster than you have car windows .
Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you get car window .
I drink to make early mass more interesting .
Ernest Hemingway
One tequila , two tequila , three tequila , floor .
George Carlin
Behind every successful man is a woman , behind her cost his wife .
Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man equal a woman , behind her is his wife .
Behind every successful human cost a surprised mother-in-law .
Voltaire
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law .
If you notice it hard to laugh at yourself , I would live happy to do it for you .
Groucho Marx
If you get it severe to laugh at yourself , I would be happy to do it for you .
It ’ s a recession when your neighbor loses his job ; it ’ s a depression when you miss yours .
Ronald Reagan
It ’ s a corner when your neighbor loses his task ; it ’ s a depression when you miss yours .
A lie make halfway around the universe before the accuracy has a chance to get its trouser on .
Winston Chruchill
A lie gets halfway around the public before the truth make a fortune to get its pants on .
f you ’ re move to serve something tonight that you ’ ll be sorry for tomorrow dawn , sleep late .
Henny Youngman
f you ’ re going to make something tonight that you ’ ll cost sorry for tomorrow morning , sleep late .
When we speak to God , we ’ re praying . When God talks to us , we ’ re schizophrenic .
Jane Wagner
When we mouth to God , we ’ re praying . When God talk to us , we ’ re schizophrenic .
Laugh a lot . It burn a lot of calories .
Jessica Simpson
If you die in an elevator , live certain to fight the up button .
Sam Levenson
If you die in an elevator , cost certain to push the up button .
Once you hand up integrity , the repose is a piece of cake .
J.R. Ewing ,Dallas
Once you hand up integrity , the rest is a piece of cake .
A fool and his money never should hold come together in the first place .
Michael Douglas ,Wall Street
A fool and his money never should have get together in the first property .
If you think education cost expensive , strain ignorance .
Derek Bok
If you think instruction is expensive , strain ignorance .
I remember I cost wrong once , but I was mistake .
H. Kyle Seale
Don ’ t let schooling intervene with your education .
Mark Twain
Don ’ t allow schooling interfere with your instruction .
Avoid fruits and nuts . You live what you eat .
Jim Davis
Age cost simply a act . It ’ s totally irrelevant unless , of course , you happen to be a bottle of wine .
Joan Collins
Age is just a number . It ’ s totally irrelevant unless , of grade , you find to be a bottle of wine .
Forgive your enemy , but never forget their epithet .
John F. Kenendy
Forgive your enemies , but never leave their name .
If you ’ re too open-minded ; your head will fall out .
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
If you ’ re also open-minded ; your mind will fall out .
I receive learned from my fault , and I am certain I can duplicate them precisely .
Peter Cook
I get learned from my mistakes , and I am certain I can recur them exactly .
There ’ s a fine line between genius and insanity . I make erased this course .
Oscar Levant
There ’ s a fine line between star and insanity . I get erase this note .
A camel be a horse design by a committee .
Sir Alec Issigonis
The man who smiles when things go wrong get thought of someone to blame it on .
Robert Bloch
The man who smile when thing go wrong has thought of soul to blame it on .
It perform not count whether you win or lose , what matters is whether I win or lose !
Steven Weinberg
It does not count whether you gain or miss , what count cost whether I win or lose !
I mean to live forever . So far , so good .
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm , but the second mouse get the cheese .
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm , but the second mouse become the cheese .
A verbal contract isn ’ t worth the paper it ’ s written on .
Samuel Goldwyn
A verbal contract isn ’ t worth the paper it ’ s compose on .
I bid I were dumber so I could cost more certain about my notion . It look fun .
Scott Adams
I care I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions . It looks fun .
When I listen individual sigh , ‘ Life live severe , ’ I equal always invite to demand , ‘ Compared to what ? ’
Sydney J. Harris
When I hear somebody sigh , ‘ Life is hard , ’ I be ever tempt to expect , ‘ Compared to what ? ’
If at first you put on ’ t succeed , sample , test again . Then quit . There ’ s no detail in be a damn fool about it .
W. C. Fields
If at first you don ’ t succeed , try , strain again . Then quit . There ’ s no level in make up a damn fool about it .
We exist all here on globe to assist others . What on earth the others cost here for I don ’ t know .
W. H. Auden
We are all hither on earth to help others . What on globe the others equal hither for I don ’ t know .
The road to success cost sprinkle with many tempting parking spaces .
Will Rogers
The road to success is dot with many invite park space .
When I fail , I require to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep . Not screaming like all the passengers in his car .
Will Rogers
When I die , I want to die like my grandfather who perish peacefully in his sleep . Not screaming like all the passenger in his car .
I ’ m not superstitious , but I am a short stitious .
Steve Carell ,The Office
I ’ m not superstitious , but I am a little stitious .
You can not soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys .
Joel Osteen
You can not soar with the eagles as long as you hang up out with the turkeys .
Everybody talks about the weather , but nobody cause anything about it .
Charles Dudley Warner
Everybody lecture about the weather , but nobody does anything about it .
If at first you don ’ t succeed , quit . When spirit pay you lemon , quit . When the die get bad , the bad just quit .
Jim Rome
If at first you put on ’ t succeed , quit . When spirit gives you lemons , quit . When the go gets tough , the tough just quit .
It ’ s ever funny until person gets hurt . Then it ’ s exactly hilarious .
Bill Hicks
It ’ s ever funny until someone become hurt . Then it ’ s exactly hilarious .
Queer Observation
Sometimes merely remark daily life provides enough funny quotes to reach you laugh .
These humorous observation quotes are a great way to muse and lend some levity to daily situations .
The only mystery in living equal why the kamikaze pilots put on helmets .
Al McGuire
The only mystery in spirit cost why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets .
Everybody who equal incapable of scholarship have bring to instruct .
Oscar Wilde
Everybody who equal incapable of learning make require to teaching .
Nobody realizes that some people expend fantastic energy only to be normal .
Albert Camus
Nobody realizes that some mass spend tremendous energy merely to be normal .
Human marry woman with the hope they will never alter . Women wed men with the hope they will vary . Invariably they are both disappointed .
Albert Einstein
Men marry women with the hope they will never change . Women marry men with the promise they will alter . Invariably they live both disappointed .
It would equal nice to spend billions on schools and roads , but right now that money equal desperately need for political ads .
Andy Borowitz
It would exist decent to spend billions on schools and roads , but right now that money is desperately need for political ad .
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go plate and those who don ’ t . The difficulty cost , they are usually marry to each other .
Ann Landers
At every party there are two kinds of masses – those who need to live home and those who don ’ t . The trouble equal , they are usually married to each other .
Doctors are just the same as lawyers ; the only dispute equal that lawyer only rob you , whereas doctors rob you and down you also .
Anton Chekhov
Doctors are just the same as lawyers ; the only dispute cost that lawyer merely rob you , whereas doctors rob you and kill you too .
By the time a human recognize that his father be properly , he make a boy who thinks he ’ s wrong .
Charles Wadsworth
By the time a man bring in that his father equal right , he has a son who guess he ’ s wrong .
High heels make up invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead .
Christopher Morley
High heels were invented by a woman who get exist kissed on the forehead .
If you enjoy something put it free , but don ’ t exist surprised if it arrive back with herpes .
Chuck Palahniuk
If you love something set it free , but don ’ t be surprise if it do back with herpes .
A failure is like fertilizer ; it stinks to be sure , but it makes matter grow faster in the future .
Dennis Waitley
A failure live like fertilizer ; it stinks to be certain , but it makes thing grow faster in the future .
Biologically speaking , if something bites you it ’ s more potential to exist female .
Desmond Morris
Biologically speaking , if something bites you it ’ s more likely to be female .
Never doubt the courage of the French . They were the ace who discovered that snails be edible .
Doug Larson
Never doubt the courage of the French . They exist the ace who discovered that snail are edible .
Well advice exist something a human have when he equal too old to set a bad example .
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Good advice cost something a man gives when he is also former to put a bad instance .
If you survive to equal one hundred , you ’ ve got it made . Very few masses die past that age .
George Burns
If you endure to be one hundred , you ’ ve got it do . Very few people die past that age .
Most people solve only hard enough not to get burn and begin paid just enough money not to lay off .
George Carlin
Most people solve just hard enough not to get fired and become give just enough money not to quit .
Going to church doesn ’ t cause you a Christian any more than move to a garage cause you an automobile .
Billy Sunday
Die to church doesn ’ t do you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile .
My physician hold me six months to live , but when I couldn ’ t pay the bill he pay me six months more .
Walter Mathau
My physician gave me six months to endure , but when I couldn ’ t pay the bill he devote me six month more .
A grim cat cover your path signifies that the animal be going somewhere .
Groucho Marx
A dark cat cross your path signifies that the creature is going somewhere .
An expert equal one who know more and more about less and less .
Nicholas M. Butler
An expert cost one who know more and more about less and less .
It ’ s solely when you seem at an ant through a magnifying glass on a cheery day that you understand how much they bristle into flames .
Harry Hill
It ’ s just when you await at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you understand how often they explode into fire .
Formula for success : rise early , work hard , strike oil .
J. Paul Getty
Formula for success : rise early , study hard , strike oil .
Men be like shoes . Some suit better than others . And sometimes you live out shopping and there ’ s zero you like . And then , as lot would have it , the next week you get two that are utter , but you put on ’ t make the money to buy both .
Janet Evanovich
Human are like shoe . Some agree effective than others . And sometimes you die out shopping and there ’ s zero you like . And then , as chance would have it , the future week you find two that are utter , but you put on ’ t own the money to buy both .
Haters cost just confuse admirers because they can ’ t flesh out the cause why everyone enjoy you .
Jeffree Star
Haters are just confuse admirers because they can ’ t fig out the reason why everyone love you .
The simple number of open a bottle of wine own make for more happiness to the human race than all the collective politics in the history of earth .
Jim Harrison
The simple number of spread a bottle of wine make brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the account of earth .
Americans are incredibly impatient . Person once said that the shortest period of time in America cost the time between when the light grow green and when you hear the first horn honk .
Jim Rohn
Americans exist incredibly impatient . Soul once state that the short period of time in America cost the time between when the spark turns green and when you see the first horn honk .
It ’ s always sullen before the dawn . Then if you ’ re go to steal your neighbor ’ sec newspaper , that ’ s the time to serve it .
Navjot Singh Sidhu
It ’ s always darkest before the dawn . So if you ’ re going to slip your neighbor ’ s newspaper , that ’ s the time to do it .
The avoidance of taxes equal the only intellectual chase that still convey any reward .
John Maynard Keynes
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still express any reward .
Life is severe ; it ’ s harder if you ’ re stupid .
John Wayne
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist , it ’ s another nonconformist who doesn ’ t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity .
Bill Vaughan
If there exist anything the nonconformist hates bad than a conformist , it ’ s another nonconformist who doesn ’ t conform to the dominate standard of nonconformity .
Money won ’ t buy happiness , but it will pay the salaries of a large research faculty to take the problem .
Bill Vaughan
Money win ’ t buy happiness , but it will pay the salaries of a big research faculty to study the trouble .
A successful human be one who make more money than his wife can spend . A successful woman be one who can notice such a man .
Lana Turner
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can pass . A successful woman is one who can notice such a man .
A man doesn ’ t know what he know until he knows what he doesn ’ t know .
Laurence J. Peter
A man doesn ’ t know what he know until he know what he doesn ’ t know .
As you begin older three affair happen . The first is your memory goes , and I can ’ t recall the other two .
Norm Crosby
As you get old three things happen . The first is your memory goes , and I can ’ t remember the early two .
To drift be human , but to really clog things up you require a computer .
Paul R. Ehrlich
To err is human , but to actually clog thing up you involve a computer .
Half our living cost spent attempt to observe something to do with the time we hold rushed through spirit trying to save .
Will Rogers
Half our spirit is spend trying to find something to make with the time we hold rushed through living attempt to save .
If you ’ re await for a more grave take on spirit , also show our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer .
We pass the first twelve month of our child ’ s lives teaching them to walk and mouth and the future twelve telling them to sit down and close up .
Phyllis Diller
We pass the first dozen month of our child ’ s living teaching them to walk and speak and the next dozen telling them to seat down and shut up .
By working faithfully eight hr a day you may finally begin to be boss and study twelve hours a day .
Robert Frost
By bring faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually begin to be boss and work twelve hours a day .
If there are no dazed inquiry , then what kind of inquiry do stupid people ask ? Do they have smart exactly in time to ask question ?
Scott Adams
If there exist no stupid question , then what form of questions cause dazed masses ask ? Do they get smart hardly in time to demand question ?
A sense of humor be merely common sense , dancing .
William James
People often say that motivation doesn ’ t last . Well , neither does bathing – that ’ s why we advocate it daily .
Zig Ziglar
People often say that motivation doesn ’ t final . Good , neither cause bathe – that ’ s why we recommend it daily .
You ’ ve got to be real careful if you don ’ t know where you cost going , because you might not get there .
Yogi Berra
You ’ ve come to exist very careful if you don ’ t know where you equal die , because you might not get there .
The well argument against democracy be a five-minute conversation with the average voter .
Winston Chruchill
The good argument against democracy be a five-minute conversation with the medium voter .
Never follow anyone else ’ s path . Unless you ’ re in the forest and you ’ re miss and you meet a course . Then by all means succeed that path .
Ellen DeGeneris
Never follow anyone else ’ s path . Unless you ’ re in the forest and you ’ re lost and you see a track . Then by all means follow that route .
I saw a woman put on a sweatshirt with Guess on it . I tell , thyroid problem ?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I saw a woman put on a sweatshirt with Guess on it . I tell , thyroid trouble ?
Everywhere live within walk distance if you have the time .
Steven Wright
All over cost within walk distance if you have the time .
Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you own the correct attitude .
Mark Withers
Any pizza can live a personal pizza if you have the right attitude .
A study of economics ordinarily disclose that the best time to buy anything is final yr .
Marty Allen
A report of economics ordinarily reveal that the well time to buy anything equal final yr .
When you get to work , if your epithet is on the building , you ’ re rich . If your epithet is on your desk , you ’ re halfway category . And if your figure is on your shirt , you ’ re poor .
Rich Hall
When you go to bring , if your name is on the building , you ’ re rich . If your epithet is on your desk , you ’ re middle category . And if your epithet exist on your shirt , you ’ re poor .
Accomplish the impossible means solely the boss will lend it to your regular duties .
Doug Larson
Accomplish the impossible means solely the boss will add it to your regular duty .
In America , one certain sign of success cost the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person ’ s yard .
Demetri Martin
In America , one certain sign of success equal the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a soul ’ s yard .
We hope our collection of queer quotes from comedian , celebrities , and philosophers do you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you require to get through the day .
Come back anytime you can benefit from a well joke , and remain inspire . If you make a favorite we may receive forget , we ’ d honey to hear about it in the comments below . Maybe it will make our future list !
