Top 113 All-Time Greatest Jokes

You’ll love our greatest jokes, guaranteed to make both kids and adults burst into laughter. If you don’t find them funny, you might want to see if you’re still alive!

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The greatest jokes of all time

What defines a joke as one of the greatest of all time? Is it the perfect timing, the clever wordplay, or the universal relatability? The best jokes often strike a balance between surprise and familiarity, leaving audiences both delighted and impressed. Whether it’s a classic one-liner or an elaborate story, a top-tier joke resonates across generations, proving that humor transcends time and culture. The mark of an exceptional joke lies in its ability to evoke laughter repeatedly, no matter how many times it’s heard.funniest jokesIs it truly the greatest of all time? That ranking simply reflects one individual’s subjective preferences on a random list. After all, that’s just scientific fact!

Truly, compiling a definitive list of the greatest jokes ever is a futile endeavor—comedy is inherently personal. What leaves one person in stitches might make another cringe. Yet some jokes endure, crossing cultural and situational boundaries to amuse the broadest audiences.

This compilation brings together a mix of enduring classics and new selections that highlight the constantly changing craft of top-tier jokes. Spanning witty puns to edgy one-liners, these quips cover the full spectrum of comedy. Whether you love traditional knock-knock gags or prefer the nuances of anti-humor, there’s a side-splitting entry to suit every taste.

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Quick jokes
Brief humor
Snappy one-liners
Tiny laughs
Punchy quips

• What brought the salamander to Hollywood?
  Creating films featuring newts!

• Have you caught wind of the joke involving the New York Jets cocktail?
  Two of them, and you lose sight of Joe Namath.

• Why would a veterinarian recommend birth-control medication for canines?
  The initiative is a component of a broader effort to combat littering.

• Because pirates prefer to stay dirty before they meet their watery fate.
  They simply drift onto the coastline.

• For what reason was the devil taken into custody by the police?
  He was arrested for possession.

• How many telemarketers are needed to replace a lightbulb?
  Just one, but he must complete it during your dinner.

• What did a fish inside a tank ask the other fish sharing the same tank?
  “Can you operate this vehicle?”

• How do wealthy individuals react when they playfully tickle infants?
  “Goo, Gucci, Gucci.”

• How many therapists are needed to replace a lightbulb?
  Just one, but the bulb must desire to change.

• How do anteaters manage to stay free from illness?
  Their antibodies help maintain their health.

• How many gorillas are needed to replace a lightbulb?
  Just a single one… yet it requires an enormous number of lightbulbs.

• Which knight in King Arthur’s court was known to be the most rotund?
  Sir Cumference.

• What is the purpose of fences surrounding cemeteries?
  Everyone is eager to join before it’s too late.

• How many optometrists are needed to replace a lightbulb?
  Is it a single or a pair? One … or two?

• What can you offer someone who already possesses all they desire?
  Penicillin.

• Which types of cats are capable of bowling?
  Stray felines roaming the urban streets.

• Why did the man take his watch to the bank?
  He aimed to conserve time.

• How does a hippo differ from a Zippo?
  One is a ton in weight, while the other is slightly less heavy.

• Have you heard about the man who had the left half of his body removed?
  He’s fine at the moment.

Why do we adore these brief jokes so much? They offer an instant route to genuine laughter. Share several of our top jokes in quick succession to give your friends plenty to laugh about.

Dad jokes are simple, often pun-based quips that typically evoke groans rather than laughter. They are characterized by their innocent, cheesy humor and are commonly shared by fathers, hence the name. These jokes rely on wordplay, predictable punchlines, and a lighthearted tone, making them universally recognizable and endearingly corny. Despite their lack of sophistication, dad jokes hold a special place in humor for their wholesome and family-friendly nature.

• A counterfeit father—what’s the term for that?
  A social blunder.

• Why do dogs stay afloat in water?
  Because they’re reliable buoys.

• What steps should you take when your puppy appears unwell?
  Bring him to the dog-tor.

• Because the hippie was too far out, man.
  He was way beyond reach, dude.

• Where do penguins cast their votes?
  The North Poll.

• What’s the term for a girl who has no eyes?
  A girl.

• Where do birds rest during their migrations?
  An affordable location.

• Why is it a good idea to tap on your fridge door before you open it?
  The bottle could contain salad dressing.

• Have you heard about the world’s most terrible zoo?
  There is just a single dog, and it’s a genuine shih tzu.

• “Want to go for a flush?” asked one toilet to the other.
  “You look a little red in the face.”

• Why do so many individuals feel exhausted on April 1?
  They have completed a 31-day stretch in March.

• What’s the trick to getting a tissue to dance?
  Add some groove to it.

• Why don’t lobsters like to share?
  Because they’re obsessed with themselves.

• Why did Mozart decide to slaughter every one of his chickens?
  When he inquired about the greatest composer, everyone responded, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

• Why did the bunny visit the hair salon?
  It was enduring a terrible hare day.

• Why are leopards terrible at hide-and-seek?
  Since they are constantly being seen.

• What is the process for illuminating a sports stadium?
  During a game of soccer.

• What’s the favorite holiday spot for sheep?
  The Baa-hamas.

• What is the reason historians refer to the Early Middle Ages as the Dark Ages?
  Many knights were present.

• Why did the worker choose to perform their job while walking on stilts?
  He sought an increase in his salary.

They say a joke turns into a dad joke once it’s fully apparent. Just make sure you’re ready for all the groans before trying these out.

Lame humor

• “Hey there, dish—what’s on your menu tonight?”
  “Let me treat you to lunch!”

• What makes comedians so fond of cracking jokes for ducks?
  They never fail to make everyone laugh.

• What caused the piano to be locked out of its vehicle?
  It misplaced its keys.

• What do you name a nose that isn’t attached to a body?
  Nobody knows.

• What’s the process for creating an egg roll?
  You give it a shove.

• There was a fire at the shoe factory—have you heard about it?
  Sadly, a great number of soles perished.

• What type of fish is skilled at performing an appendectomy?
  A sturgeon fish.

• What is the process for hiring a horse?
  Place it upright on a ladder.

• What did the fish exclaim after colliding with a wall in the river?
  “Dam!”

• What is the reason behind the long necks of giraffes?
  Their feet emit an unpleasant odor.

• Because the pony felt a little hoarse.
  Since it happened to be a small horse.

• Is there anything more unpleasant than a downpour of rain?
  Need a cab? Just flag one down.

• A pair of physicians.
  Pair-a-medics.

• Nice belt!
  “Great choice of belt.”

Go ahead and admit it: You chuckled. These so-called “terrible” jokes might draw a few eye rolls, but they also manage to spark some laughter. And that’s precisely why they’ve earned a spot on our compilation of the greatest jokes ever told.

Grim humor

• Losing my mother happened when we forgot her blood type. Her final words were, “Stay positive.” Yet life feels so difficult now that she’s gone.

• I pondered why the baseball continued to grow in size. Suddenly, it struck me.

• While working in the garden, I uncovered a chest filled with gold coins. I was eager to share the news with my wife, but then it struck me why I had been digging there in the first place.

• At the bank earlier, an elderly woman requested my assistance to verify her balance. In response, I gave her a shove and knocked her down.

• I made my home safe for kids, but somehow they managed to sneak in anyway!

• Cremation. My last shot at having a smoldering physique.

• Before my friend Frank passed away, he requested that I keep his ashes in his beloved beer mug. His final desire was to remain Frank in stein.

• A man enters a magical forest and attempts to chop down a tree that speaks. “You cannot fell me,” the tree protests. “I am a talking tree!” The man replies, “You might be a talking tree, but you will converse.”

• I decided to ask my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” In response, it turned on the selfie camera.

• Even those who seem utterly useless can still manage to brighten your day—for instance, when they take an unexpected tumble down a flight of steps.
  

• After careful consideration, my spouse and I have decided we no longer wish to have kids. If anyone is interested, simply share your contact information, and we’ll deliver them to you by tomorrow.

• The most dishonest CEOs are those managing pretzel businesses. They’re constantly full of twists.

• Even in your worthlessness, you serve a purpose—as the perfect illustration of what not to be.

• Never shatter a person’s heart—they only possess one. Instead, fracture their bones; they come with 206 to spare.

• My grandmother possesses the courage of a lion but is permanently barred from entering the zoo.

• When the inventor of the hokeypokey passed away, preparing his body for burial proved challenging. They placed his right foot inside the coffin, then removed it again…

• When I mentioned to my date that my job involved working with animals, she thought it was adorable and wanted to know more. So I said: “I’m a butcher.”

• They claim the most reliable path to a man’s heart is via his stomach. Personally, I think navigating through the rib cage is far simpler.

• Why is donating one kidney seen as heroic, but donating five gets you in trouble with the law?

Not everyone appreciates dark humor, but if you have a slightly warped sense of comedy, these grimly hilarious jokes will have you cackling as if tomorrow never comes.

Knock-knock jokes are a classic form of humor where one person initiates with the phrase “Knock, knock,” prompting the other to respond, “Who’s there?” The first person then delivers a setup line, followed by the punchline, creating a playful and often predictable exchange. These jokes rely on wordplay, puns, or simple surprises to elicit laughter, making them popular among children and adults alike. Their repetitive structure and interactive nature contribute to their enduring appeal.

• Knock, knock. Who’s there?
  Who is there?
  Dishes.
  Who dishes?
  Tells a terribly unfunny joke.

• Who’s there?
  Who is there?
  Cargo.
  Cargo who?
  Cars movebeep!

• Knock, knock.
  Is someone there?
  Lettuce.
  Lettuce who?
  Let the lettuce in. It’s freezing outside!

• Who’s there?
  Who is it?
  Cash.
  Cash what?
  No, thank you. I’d rather have peanuts.

• Who’s there?
  Who is it?
  Abyss.
  Abyss what?
  I miss you just as much!

• Knock, knock.
  Who is it?
  Elderly woman.
  Little old lady who?
  Hey, I had no idea you were able to yodel!

• Who’s there?
  Who goes there?
  Beets.
  Who even remembers Beets?
  No idea. I’m only around for the humor.

• Knock, knock.
  Who is there?
  Doris.
  Doris who?
  Doris is locked. That’s the reason I’m knocking!

• Knock, knock.
  Who is it?
  Harry.
  Harry who, you ask?
  Hurry up and unlock the door!

• Tap, tap.
  Who is it?
  Obsessive about control.
  Contr—
  “Now you ask, ‘Control freak who?'”

• Who’s there?
  Who goes there?
  Heywood.
  Who is Heywood?
  Heywood, have you opened the door yet?

• Who’s there?
  Who is it?
  Woo.
  Who’s Woo?
  Hold your enthusiasm—it’s only a playful knock-knock joke!

Parents with young children understand how much kids adore knock-knock jokes tailored for their age—the more absurd, the funnier. Share these with your little ones and encourage them to create their own!

Timeless humor

• Two cows stood in a field. “Did you catch the news about mad cow disease spreading?” said one. “Sure did,” answered the other. “Really makes me happy I’m a penguin.”

• During a social gathering, a wife scolded her husband, remarking, “You’ve returned for ice cream and cake four times now. Aren’t you ashamed?” He casually replied, “Why would I be? I keep saying it’s for you.”

• happy here with us. Why would she need her own place now?” John sighed and said, “It’s not about happiness. She deserves independence after all these years.” Helen crossed her arms and responded, “But this is her home too. She shouldn’t have to leave.” John hesitated before answering, “I just think it’s something we should consider.” Helen shook her head. “No, John. This isn’t up for discussion.”your mother.”

• “I’ll have a bottle of wine,” a woman said to her server. “Which vintage would you prefer?” the server asked. She sighed and responded, “I’d prefer it immediately.”

• Yesterday, I was unsure if someone was waving at me or the individual standing behind me. On another note, I no longer have my job as a lifeguard.

• A bear enters a bar and asks, “Could I get a … Coke?” The bartender responds, “Why the long pause?” The bear answers, “Not sure. I’ve always had them.”

• “My son had to abandon his profession due to fallen arches,” a man told his companion. “Is he a sportsman?” the friend inquired. The man responded by shaking his head and saying, “He’s an architect.”

• A customer at a seafood eatery ordered a lobster tail. The server grinned warmly and replied, “Let me tell you a story about a lobster…”

• Feed a person a fish, and they’ll have a meal today. Show them how to fish, and they’ll spend their days on the water with a cold drink in hand.

• A man visited his doctor, who told him, “There’s bad news and even worse news.” The patient requested the bad news first, to which the doctor answered, “You have just 24 hours left.” Shocked, the man exclaimed, “That’s awful! Hold on—what’s the worse news?” The doctor said, “I was supposed to inform you yesterday.”

If you’re still laughing at that previous joke, you’ll definitely enjoy exploring additional hilarious doctor jokes from our collection. Remember, a good laugh is the ultimate remedy.

Witty single-line jokes

• A termite strolls into a bar and inquires, “Is the bartender around?”

• A Roman enters a tavern, raises two fingers, and requests, “Five beers, please.”

• I love three things: enjoying meals with my family, and never bothering with commas.

• A snake slithers into a bar, and the bartender inquires, “How?”

• A sleepless atheist with dyslexia questions whether a canine truly exists.

• Discovering my colorblind condition happened entirely out of the blue.

• I hadn’t planned on having a brain transplant initially, but I later reconsidered.

• I submitted ten puns to a competition, hoping one would take the prize. Unfortunately, no pun in ten succeeded.

• A man enters a bar and remarks, “That’s bound to leave a mark.”

• My dog had a habit of frequently chasing cyclists. The situation became so severe that eventually, I had to confiscate his bicycle.

The best one-liners deliver a huge dose of humor in just a few words, which is exactly what makes them so great! Share these witty lines with your friends and get ready for uncontrollable laughter.

Witty and amusing quotes

• “One day, my father returned home and discovered me sitting by a blazing fire. This infuriated him because our house didn’t even have a fireplace.” —Victor Borge was a Danish-American comedian, conductor, and pianist, renowned for his unique blend of music and humor. Born Børge Rosenbaum in Copenhagen, Denmark, he adopted the stage name Victor Borge and became famous for his witty performances that combined classical piano playing with comedic storytelling. His career spanned over seven decades, during which he entertained audiences worldwide with his clever improvisations and playful approach to music. Borge’s signature acts, such as “Phonetic Punctuation” and “Inflationary Language,” showcased his inventive style and earned him the nickname “The Clown Prince of Denmark.” He received numerous accolades, including a Kennedy Center Honor, for his contributions to the arts.

• “Initially, the doctor shared some positive news with me. He mentioned that a disease would soon bear my name.” —Steve Martin

• “Don’t bother competing with the Joneses. Pull them down to where you are. It’s more economical.” —Quentin Crisp

• “Forgive your enemies always; nothing irritates them more.” —Oscar Wilde, the renowned Irish playwright and poet, remains a towering figure in literature, celebrated for his wit, flamboyance, and enduring works. His sharp social commentary and unique style continue to captivate audiences worldwide.

• In Denver, a Sunday school class was tasked with writing down their most cherished biblical teachings. A child carefully wrote in uneven letters, “Treat others the way they treat you.”Lee Olson,The Denver Post remains a leading source of news and information in the region.

• A peculiar aspect of Wall Street is that the dealer, rather than the customer, is referred to as the broker.—Dallas News

• “If only I had the cash to purchase an elephant,” a woman said to her husband. “Why in the world would you want an elephant?” he questioned. “I don’t,” she answered. “I just want the money.” —Sam Levenson was a celebrated American humorist, writer, and television personality, best known for his witty observations on family life and human nature. His work often combined humor with heartfelt insights, making him a beloved figure in American entertainment. Levenson’s books and television appearances endeared him to audiences, showcasing his unique ability to find comedy in everyday situations. His legacy continues to inspire those who appreciate humor with depth and sincerity.

• “I feel like I’ve spent my whole life repeating the same phrases on autopilot—‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Keep your mouth closed while chewing. Don’t tilt your chair back.’ The moment I finally got my husband to follow these rules, the children arrived.” —Erma Bombeck was a beloved American humorist and columnist, celebrated for her witty and relatable observations on everyday life. Her syndicated newspaper column, “At Wit’s End,” entertained millions with its lighthearted take on the challenges of suburban living, motherhood, and marriage. Bombeck’s unique ability to find humor in the mundane resonated with readers, making her one of the most popular writers of her time. Beyond her columns, she authored several bestselling books and became a cultural icon, leaving a lasting legacy in the world of humor writing.

After laughing at the last humorous quote, it’s time to bring your stand-up routine to life by sharing some (or all!) of the top jokes with friends, family, colleagues, and others you know.

Why should you have confidence in us

Reader’s Digesthas been sharing jokes for over a century, carefully selected and evaluated during the past two decades by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a former humor editor atNational Lampoon remains an iconic name in comedy, recognized for its groundbreaking humor and influential contributions to entertainment. The brand continues to resonate with audiences through its distinctive style and legacy of satire.and the writer ofThat’s Hilarious.Our humor has been honored with distinguished ASME awards, featuring witty remarks, playful pranks, clever puns, amusing cartoons, sharp one-liners, classic knock-knock jokes, engaging riddles, viral memes, humorous tweets, and entertaining stories from uproarious magazine sections like “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine,” and “Humor in Uniform,” along with digital compilations such as quick jokes, dad jokes, and hilariously terrible jokes that are so awful, they’re fantastic. A hundred years of laughter is captured in our 2022 anthology.Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Ultimate RemedyFor this feature on the greatest jokes ever, Laura Beck drew from her extensive 15-year background as a seasoned humor writer for television programs and publications. Learn more about our staff, contributors, and editorial guidelines.