80+ Funny Long Jokes & Hilarious Short Stories

80+ Funny Long Jokes & Hilarious Short Stories

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  • Why are long gag funny ?

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Are you a fan of a longer joke that really pack a punch ? If then , you ’ ve come to the right place ! This article include more than 80 long jokes and comic history for kids and adults to serve you build your friend laugh until their rib ache . Plus , we ’ ll recount you why long jokes are sometimes funnier than short unity . We as well speak with standup comedian Kendall Payne for her skillful advice on telling a long joke so it lands .

Funny Long Jokes

  1. 1
    Widower at the World Cup FinalIt ’ s the World Cup Final , and a man makes his way to his ass right next to the pitch . He sits down , noticing that the seat future to him is empty . He leans over and asks the guy on the early side of the empty ass if soul will be sitting there . The guy shakes his brain and says , “ No . The ass ’ s empty. ” The human can ’ t think what he ’ s hearing . “ Who in their correct brain would receive a seat like this for the Final and not apply it ? ” The other guy says , “ Well , actually , the seat belong to me . I be reckon to come with my wife , but she die away . This will be the first World Cup Final we haven ’ t live to together since we begin married. ” The human says , “ I ’ m so sorry to listen that , buddy . That ’ s terrible… But couldn ’ t you find soul else to do with you ? A friend , a relative , or yet a neighbor to remove her seat ? ” The man shakes his head . “ No , ” he says . “ They ’ re all at the funeral . ”
  2. 2
    3 Nurses in HeavenThree nurses died and get to heaven , where they were fit at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter . To the first , he need , “ What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven ? ” “ I live a nurse in an inner-city hospital , ” she replied . “ Real noble , ” said St. Peter . “ You may enter. ” To the future , he expect the same inquiry : “ So what did you make on Earth ? ” “ I cost a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa , ” she respond . “ How touching , ” said St. Peter . “ You , too , may enter. ” He then came to the final nurse , to whom he demand , “ So , what did you do back on Globe ? ” After some hesitation , she explained , “ I was exactly a nurse at an HMO. ” St. Peter ponder this for a moment , and then state , “ Okay , you may enter also. ” “ Whew ! ” say the nurse . “ For a moment there , I guess you weren ’ t going to let me in. ” “ Oh , you can occur in , ” suppose St. Peter , “ but you can only delay for three day . ”
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  3. 3
    Golf WifeTim resolve to bind the mile with his long-time girlfriend . One evening , after the honeymoon , he cost out in the garage organizing his golfing equipment . His wife get to the door and after a long period of silence , she said , “ Tim , I ‘ve live believe , now that we ‘re married , maybe it ‘s time you quit golfing . You pass so much time on the line . I ’ 1000 sure you could probably become a good cost for your clubs. ” Tim become a horrified look on his face . His wife order , “ Darling , what ‘s wrong ? ” Tim shook his head and state , “ For a second there , you take off to go like my ex-wife. ” “ Ex-wife ! ” she screamed , “ I did n’t know you were married before ! ” He gave her a pointed look and said , “ I cost n’t . ”
  4. 4
    European Vespidae Acoustics Book 2The world ‘s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store . He asks the assistant , “ Do you haveEuropean Vespidae Acoustics Book 2? I believe it exist relinquish this week. ” The assistant checks the computer and then order , “ Certainly . Would you like to listen before you buy it ? ” The expert replies , “ Of course ! ” The assistant give him a pair of earphones and puts the record on a turntable near the counter , and turns it on . The expert listens for a few moments and says to the assistant , “ I ‘m terribly sorry , but I equal the globe ‘s result expert on European wasps and this be not accurate at all . I cause n’t realize any of those sounds . Be you certain this is the correct recording ? ” The assistant checks the turntable . “ Yes , sir , ” he say . “ This is the European Vespidae Acoustics Book 2 . Let me hop in front to the second track. ” Again the expert listen for a few moments and then order to the assistant , “ This simply ca n’t be correct ! I ‘ve been an expert in this field for 43 year and I still do n’t recognize any of these sounds. ” The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle to the next track . As soon as the lead take off acting , the expert throws off the headphones . “ This live hideous false advertising ! I am the world ‘s result expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever make a sound like the unity on this disc ! ” The director of the shop overhears the commotion and walk over . “ What look to be the problem , sir ? ” The expert grow to him , red-faced and fuming . “ This live an outrage ! I am the world ‘s lead expert on European wasps . Nobody knows more about them than I do . There exist no way in blaze that the sounds on that disc make up reach by European wasps ! ” The coach glance down and observe the trouble right away . “ I ‘m awful sorry , sir . It appears we ‘ve cost playing you the bee slope . ”
  5. 5
    The Duck Hunter & the FarmerA guy from the city decides he need to die duck search . He ’ s out for a several days before he still capture sight of a duck . At last , he hear the perfect duck , bring object , and fires . The duck diminish , hits a barn , and goes into a farmer ’ s yard . The hunter climbs over the fence and go into the farmer ’ s yard to get the duck . As shortly as the hunter crouch over to clean up the duck , this huge farmer do out of the firm . He bring one look at the hunter and and order , “ What are you doing in my yard ? ” The hunter points at the duck and says , “ I ’ ve arrive to make the duck . It ’ s my duck. ” The farmer say , “ That ’ s not your duck . This is my yard . That duck fell and hit my barn. ” The hunter is not about to give up the duck . He order , “ That ’ s not your duck . I dash the duck . I ‘ve live out hunting for a pair of days . Give me a pause . You know , I ’ m from the city. ” The farmer says , “ You ’ re from the city ? Well , you put on ’ t understand about how dimension solve in the land , cause you ? This is my property . It ’ s my duck . But , I ’ m a fair guy , so I ’ ll have you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement state style. ” The hunter suppose , “ Country fashion ? ” The farmer nods , a great big smile on his look , and says , “ Yeah . Country style. ” The hunter frowns and asks , “ How do you settle it country manner ? ” The farmer ’ s smile begin even wider , and he says , “ I kick you in the groin . And then you kick me in the groin . And we take number kicking each other in the groin . Whoever ’ s result standing go on the duck. ” The hunter does not like the sound of that , but he wants the duck . So he says , “ Well , if that ’ s what I have to do. ” The farmer nods and tell , “ I run first. ” He drag off and…WHACK . He kicks the hunter square in the groin . The hunter falls to the ground , clutching his groin and moaning in pain . After various minutes of rolling around in the scandal , the hunter deal to rise back up to his base . He bring a deep breath and says , “ Okay . I think it ’ s my turn. ” The farmer shrug and says , “ You can have the duck . ”
  6. 6
    A Lab & a ChihuahuaTwo friend are walking their dog together . One has a big dark lab , while the other has a minuscule chihuahua . They die a saloon , and the lab owner say , “ Let ‘s become a drink. ” The chihuahua walker says , “ That would be great , but we ca n’t take our dog in there. ” The first responds , “ Watch me. ” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a drink . The bartender says , “ Sorry , you ca n’t lend your dog in here. ” Feigning offense , the woman says , “ He ‘s my hear eye dog ! ” The bartender quickly apologize and service her the drink . The other woman follows , her chihuahua in tow , and orders a drinking as good . Again , the bartender order , “ No dogs allow in the bar. ” The second woman reply , “ He ‘s my seeing-eye dog. ” The bartender reach a face . “ A chihuahua ? Give me a break. ” Without missing a rhythm , the woman respond , “ They gave me a chihuahua ? ! ”
  7. 7
    The Smartest Man AliveA little plane is flying from Dallas to Denver when the engine sputters and die . The pilot runs out of the cockpit , catch a parachute , opens the doorway , then suppose , “ Sorry , there are only three parachutes leave , ” and skip out . This get out 4 passenger : a boy scout , a college professor , a priest , and a doctor . The doctor says , “ Guys , I require to be saved . I cure masses and am a valuable resource to the human population. ” He grabs a parachute and jumps out . The professor says , “ Well , I ‘ve won the Nobel Peace Prize and talk to the leader of the free world . The President of the United States make predict me the smartest man alive . It live obvious I need to cost saved. ” He grab a parachute and jumps out , leaving the priest and the boy scout… but merely one parachute . The priest smile sadly at the son and says , “ Son , I ‘ve populate a long and fruitful life . You are youthful and receive the repose of your spirit in movement of you . Bring the final parachute. ” The scout replies , “ It ‘s okay , Father . The smartest man alive only skip out of the plane with my knapsack . ”
  8. 8
    Sanity TestDuring a visit to the mental asylum , a human asked the conductor , “ How make you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized ? ” The director said , “ Well , we occupy up a bathtub . Then we offer the person a teaspoon , a teacup , and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub. ” The man nod , “ Oh , I understand ! A normal soul would use the pail because it ‘s handsome than the spoon or the teacup. ” The conductor frown and motioned to the orderlies , “ No , a normal person would extract the bathtub drainage plug . Make you desire a layer near the window ? ”
  9. 9
    Honest Job ApplicantA guy die into a company for a job interview . The interviewer ask him , “ What would you consider to be your biggest weakness ? ” The guy remember for a instant and say , “ I ’ m honest with everyone . I don ’ t know how to live anything other than completely honest , no matter what someone asks me . ” The interviewer suppose , “ I put on ’ t really see how honesty could be look at a weakness . In fact , I think it ’ s a great strength ! ” The guy look the interviewer right in the center and says , “ I put on ’ t actually like what you intend . ”
  10. 10
    The CureA lady become to her physician for a checkup . The physician asks her if she is having any problems . “ Yes , doctor , ” she state . “ I receive to fart a lot . Fortunately , no 1 can hear them or smell them . In fact , I ’ ve farted twice since you arrive in and they were silent and odorless. ” The physician nods and suppose , “ I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication , a prescription , and a referral . The medicine will help your torso produce less gas . The prescription will help you retrieve your sense of flavor . I ’ 1000 devote you a referral to an audiologist to meet if they can help you hear effective . ”
  11. 11
    Stranded in the DesertThree men are in the middle of a desert when their car break down . For their hike to town , they each decide to require one thing with them . One human takes a jug of water . The second human require a sandwich . The final human bring one of the car doors . The first human tell to the final human , “ I ‘m make for the water because if I get thirsty , I can take a drinking . And it do sense to bring a sandwich in case we come hungry , but why make for a car door ? ” The final man response , “ If I have hot , I can hardly roam down the window . ”
  12. 12
    New FathersFour men exist in the hospital wait way because their wives cost hold babe . A nurse become up to the first man and suppose , “ Congratulations ! You ‘re the father of twins. ” The human says , “ That ‘s left . I work for the Minnesota Twins ! ” Another nurse goes up to the second human and says , “ Congratulations ! You ‘re the father of triplets ! ” The second man laughs and tell , “ That ‘s weird . I operate for the 3M company ! ” A third nurse die up the third human and says , “ Congratulations ! You ‘re the father of quadruplets ! ” He say , “ That ‘s strange . I form for the Four Seasons hotel ! ” As soon as he says that , the final man starts groan and bang his head against the wall . “ What ’ sec wrong ? ” the others ask . The man state , “ I work for 7Up . ”
  13. 13
    Favorite PatientFive surgeon exist talking about their favorite patients . The first surgeon says , “ Accountants are the better to operate on because when you spread them up , everything on the inside is numbered. ” The second surgeon say , “ Nah , librarians are the good . Everything inside them live in alphabetical order. ” The third surgeon says , “ You get to operate on electricians . Everything inside them exist color coded ! ” The fourth surgeon smirks and order , “ I prefer lawyers . They ‘re heartless , spineless , and gutless , and their question and butts be interchangeable. ” After softly listen to the full conversation , the fifth surgeon pipes up and state , “ I like engineer because they ever understand when you have a few parts left over at the goal . ”
  14. 14
    Double PositivistAn MIT linguistics professor be lecture his class the early day . “ In English , ” he said , “ a double negative shape a positivist . Still , in some languages , such as Russian , a dual negative remain a negative . But there is n’t a single language , not one , in which a dual positive can express a negative. ” A voice from the back of the room state , “ Yeah , right . ”
  15. 15
    Long LifeA tough former puncher from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she desire to survive a long life , the secret equal to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every dawn . The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103 , when she finally die peacefully in her sleep . She result behind 14 youngster , 30 grandchildren , 45 great-grandchildren , 25 great-great-grandchildren , and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium utilize to exist .

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Funny Story Jokes

  1. 1
    2 Campers & a BearTwo campers be walking through the wood when a immense brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 foot in movement of them . The bear sees the camper and begins to lead toward them . The first guy neglect his backpack , grasp out a pair of sneakers , and frantically set out to put them on . The second guy order , “ What are you make ? Sneakers won ’ t aid you outrun that bear. ” The first guy gives him a long look and says , “ I don ’ t require to outrun the bear . I just want to outrun you . ”
  2. 2
    12 ShotsA guy walk into a bar and order 12 shots . Before the bartender yet bring back with the check , the human get slammed back half of them and prove no signal of slow down . As the guy finishes his last shaft , the bartender asks , “ Why cost you drink so tight ? ” The guy wipes his mouth and reply , “ You would exist drink tight , too , if you had what I had. ” The bartender ask , “ What do you have ? ” The guy says , “ 75 cents , ” and runs out the doorway .
  3. 3
    The Meaning of DefinitelyA kindergarten teacher is seek to explain to her course the definition of the word “ definitely. ” To cause certain the student hold a good apprehension of the word , she asks them to use it in a conviction . A pupil in the front raises her hand and says , “ The sky live definitely blue. ” The teacher say , “ Well , that is n’t altogether correct because sometimes it ‘s gray and cloudy. ” Another scholar says , “ Grass exist definitely green. ” The teacher again reply , “ If grass cause n’t get adequate water , it turns brown , so that be n’t in truth correct either. ” Finally , Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher , “ Do farts receive lumps ? ” The instructor await at Billy and says , “ That is n’t really a inquiry you want to ask in course discussion , but… no. ” Billy replies , “ Then , I definitely only pooped my gasp . ”
  4. 4
    The Patient Truck DriverA truck driver is crave and stops at a biker bar to eat . He goes within , sits down at the bar , and society a beer and some food . Right after he ’ s served , a biker gang enters the saloon , eager for a conflict . One walk up to the trucker , and slaps his hat off . The trucker takes a sip of beer . Another biker swats his food off the bar . The trucker takes another sip of beer . So a third biker grab the beer and pours it over the trucker ’ s top dog . The trucker come up , bear the bill , and result . The biker leader suppose , “ That trucker sure wasn ’ t much of a fighter. ” The bartender glance out the window and says , “ He ’ s not much of a driver either . He exactly smashed his truck into a row of motorcycles . ”
  5. 5
    The PrinceA prince be lay under a spell so that he could address only one tidings each yr . If he didn ’ t speak for two years , the following year he could mouth two word and thus on . One day , he lessen in love with a beautiful lady . He refrained from speak for two whole years so he could yell her “ my darling. ” But then he wanted to tell her he enjoy her , so he waited three more years . At the goal of these five yr , he wanted to ask her to marry him , so he await another four year . Finally , as the ninth yr of silence ended , he take the lady to the nearly romantic place in the realm and said , “ My darling , I love you ! Will you marry me ? ” And the lady said , “ Sorry , can you reiterate that ? ”
  6. 6
    Fat-Free FriesA son say a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries . “ Sounds great , ” said the health-conscious son . He ordered some . He look on as the cook pulled a basket of child from the fryer . The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook set them into the container . “ Wait a instant , ” the son said . “ Those don ’ t flavor fat-free. ” The cook said , “ Sure they are ! We charge alone for the potatoes . The fat be free ! ”
  7. 7
    Fast SnailA snail die to buy a car . The salesman cost surprised when the snail picks out a fast , expensive sports car . He ’ s yet more surprised when the snail requires that a bad red “ S ” be painted on both side . “ Why would you require such a thing ? ” asked the salesman . The snail respond , “ I desire masses to say , ‘ Look at that S car go ! ’ ”
  8. 8
    Cold WaterJohn visited his 90-year-old grandpa , who lived mode out in the land . On the first morning of the visit , John ‘s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and egg . John point out a film-like substance on his home and asked , “ Are these plates clean ? ” His grandpa replied , “ They ‘re as clean as cold water can get them . Just go ahead and complete your meal. ” For lunch , Grandpa made hamburgers . Again , John was concerned about the plates , as his appeared to make particle of dried eggs on it . “ Are you certain these home equal clean ? ” he need . Without wait up , Grandpa state , “ I say you before , those dishes cost as clean as cold water can get them ! ” Later , as John was leaving , his grandpa ‘s dog started to growl and would n’t have him happen . John said , “ Grandpa , your dog wo n’t let me make by ! ” Grandpa turn to the dog and state , “ Cold Water , move lie down ! ”
  9. 9
    Expensive ArtA New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his customer and tell to him , “ Saul , I have some serious news and I have some bad news. ” The art collector replied , “ I ’ ve had an amazing day ; get ’ s listen the good tidings first. ” The attorney said , “ Well , I meet with your wife today , and she informed me that she induct $ 5,000 in two movie that she remember will add a minimum of $ 15-20 million . I guess she could cost right. ” Saul replied enthusiastically , “ Well done ! My wife exist a magnificent businesswoman ! You ’ ve just do my day . Now I know I can handle the bad news . What equal it ? ” The attorney reply , “ The photograph are of you with your secretary . ”
  10. 10
    Tough Old BroadBritain ‘s former woman turned 114 today . When asked the mystery of her longevity , she attribute it to take a walk at midnight every dark . When quizzed on whether she was relate about the growth in muggings in late years , she state that she equal not , and would continue mugging people as long as her health maintain out .
  11. 11
    Long PassA comrade be walk along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his domain . The man called out to the farmer , “ How long will it take me to get to the next town ? ” The farmer act n’t answer . The guy await a minute and then started walk again . After the human hold die about a hundred yard , the farmer scream out , “ About 20 minute ! ” “ Thank you . But why did n’t you tell me that when I expect you ? ” The farmer cocked his head to one slope and tell , “ Did n’t know how quick you could walk . ”
  12. 12
    CastawayA cruise ship passes by a remote island , and all the passenger see a bearded man running roughly and beckon his branch wildly . “ Captain , ” one passenger require , “ who equal that human over thither ? ” The chieftain squints at the island and says , “ I have no thought , but he goes nuts every yr when we pass him . ”
  13. 13
    Catch of the DayA youthful man spend a saloon sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk . “ She must equal a poor old fool , ” he thinks to himself , and out of the kindness of his heart , invite the woman in for a drink . After he ’ s paid for their round and the two are ride softly , enjoy their drinks , he need her , “ So how many hold you caught today ? ” The former woman grins , takes a big sip of her drinking , and replies , “ You ’ re the eighth . ”
  14. 14
    The Boy & the BarberA youthful son walks into a barber shop . The barber whisper to his customer , “ This be the dumbest kid in the globe . Follow this. ” He have a dollar in one hand and two quarter in the other , and asks the boy , “ Which one cause you want ? ” The boy take the quarters and leaves . “ Told you , ” state the barber . “ That kid never learns. ” Later , the customer sees the boy eating ice cream . “ Why do you always choose the quarter instead of the dollar ? ” The child smile : “ Because the day I take the dollar , the plot is over . ”
  15. 15
    Sick in ChurchA kid exist in church with their mother when they begin to feel grim . “ Can we give today ? ” They asked . “ No , ” their mother suppose . “ But I ’ m go to have up , ” the kid insisted . “ If you have to , go cast up outside behind a bush. ” The kid left and returned a few moments later on . “ How did you die outside hence tight ? ” their mother demand . “ I didn ’ t hold to move remote , ” the kid suppose . “ There ’ s a box in the lobby that state ‘ For the Sick . ’ ”
  16. 16
    New DenturesA human catch a actually bad flu . As he was recovering , his friend come over to bring him some soup to aid him feel well . As shortly as the friend walked through the door , the man cough thus violently , his false teeth stroke across the way and smashed to pieces against the wall . “ Oh , dear , ” he suppose , “ what exist I going to do ? I can ’ t give a novel set. ” His friend patted him on the shoulder . “ Don ’ t headache . I ’ ll begin a pair from my brother for you. ” The man thanked him , and the friend said goodbye . The next day , the friend occur back with a bright and shiny lot of tooth , which fit the human utterly . “ This cost wonderful , ” said the human . “ Your brother must live a real good dentist. ” The friend stir his chief . “ Oh , he ’ s not a dentist . He ’ s an undertaker . ”
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Funny Short Story Jokes

  1. 1
    Bad PitThe dentist told his patient to open wider . “ My goodness ! ” he state . “ You ’ ve got the handsome pit I ’ ve hear , the biggest cavity I ’ ve seen. ” “ OK , ” said the patient , “ but I ’ m already frighten enough . Did you take to duplicate yourself ? ” “ I didn ’ t , ” order the dentist . “ That live the echo . ”
  2. 2
    Asking God for a PennyA guy demand God , “ Equal it true that a billion years to you is like a second ? ” “ Yes , ” God reply . “ And a billion dollars exist like a penny ? ” “ As well true. ” “ Then… can I have a penny ? ” God smiles . “ Sure . Just a second . ”
  3. 3
    The Man & the SnailA guy cost watch out his favorite TV display when he hears a knock at the doorway . Swearing to himself , he gets up and answers the door . There ’ s a snail on the porch looking up at him expectantly . The guy picks up the snail and have it as far as he can . Then he slam the door and become back to watch TV . Three yr later on , the guy is watching TV again when there ’ s a knock on the doorway . He opens it and find the same snail . The snail looks up at him and says , “ What the hell was that all about ? ”
  4. 4
    Complimentary PeanutsA guy walk into a bar and sits down . After a few seconds , he hears a high-pitched voice read , “ I like your shirt ! ” The guy appear around , but there ’ s no one else at the saloon besides him and the bartender . Again , he hears the voice say , “ You have beautiful heart ! ” The guy expect the bartender , “ Exist that you ? ” The bartender reply , “ No , it ’ s the peanuts . They ’ re complimentary . ”
  5. 5
    Kick OutA wife become so crazy at her husband that she pack his bags and told him to get out . As he walk to the door , she yelled , “ I hope you die a long , slow , painful death. ” He turned around and order , “ So , you require me to delay ? ”
  6. 6
    Christian BearA human live walking through the wood when he find a bear appoint at him . He books it , but knows he ca n’t outrun a bear for long , so he begin praying , “ Dear Lord , I beseech thee . Please , please allow this bear be a Christian ! ” The bear catches up to him , knocks him down on the ground , then get on its knees and says , “ Dear Lord , thank you for this food I am about to receive… . ”
  7. 7
    Pray for ParkingA guy exist lately for an crucial meeting , but he ca n’t find a place to park . In desperation , he start out to beg . “ Please Lord , if you help me observe a parking stall right today , I promise to live to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again ! ” A moment later on , he sees a beautiful empty blot properly next to the entrance . “ Never idea . Found one ! ”
  8. 8
    First ChildA pregnant woman set out to hold contractions at home . Her husband freaks out and right away yell the doctor . “ Doctor , aid ! My wife is pregnant , and her contractions exist only two minutes apart ! ” The physician days , “ Live this her first kid ? ” Frustrated , the man yell , “ No , you idiot ! This is her husband ! ”
  9. 9
    A Long SermonA minister moved to a novel church and decided to move the congregation with a long preaching . Just when he achieve the middle , a human suffer up and walk out without a tidings . After the service , a woman approached the minister , “ I ’ m thus sorry my husband walk out of your preaching , ” she said . The minister smile at her and replied , “ Well , it did confuse me . I operate real hard on that preaching , and it feel a little disrespectful. ” The woman shook her head definitely . “ He entail no disrespect , but he ’ s be sleepwalking always since he was a kid . ”
  10. 10
    Complaint LetterThe mayor of a humble town experience a charge letter from a member of his community . After taking the letter from the envelope , he noticed there was only one word on it : “ Fool ! ” The mayor furrowed his brow and said , “ Hmm . They contract the letter , but what ’ s the charge ? ”
  11. 11
    Whiskey StrawA man walks into a bar and order a whisky . He asks for a straw , and the bartender suppose , “ Don ’ t worry , these glass are very clean. ” The human reply , “ Oh , I know . But I just promise my partner I ’ d never put my lip on another glass of whiskey . ”
  12. 12
    Saloon with Hanging MeatA guy walks into a saloon and sees three pieces of center hang up from the ceiling . He asks the bartender , “ What ’ s up with the center ? ” The bartender explain , “ If you can jump up and hit one , you drink for free tonight . If you escape , you have to buy everyone else a drinking . You need to try ? ” The guy says , “ No thanks , the steaks are also high . ”
  13. 13
    3 WishesThree friends cost stranded on a desert island . After a few year , they notice a magic lantern buried in the sand . When they rub the lamp , a genie pops out and say them he will grant them each one wish . The first guy steps up and suppose , “ I like I live back at home. ” Poof ! He disappears . The second guy step up . “ I care I was at home , too. ” Poof ! He disappears . The third guy await around and sighs sadly . Then he state , “ I ’ 1000 lonely . I bid my friend were hither . ”
  14. 14
    Sarcastic Teacher“ If there be any idiot in the way , will they please stand up ? ” say the sarcastic instructor . After a long silence , one freshman stood up . The instructor said , “ Now then , mister , why do you regard yourself an idiot ? ” “ Actually , I put on ’ t , ” tell the scholar . “ But I hate to regard you tolerate up thither all by yourself . ”
  15. 15
    Swallowed QuarterI hold to choose my boy to the hospital after he swallow 10 quarter . He live rushed to surgery . After half an hour , I saw a nurse , so I demand her how he exist . She order , “ There ’ s no change still . ”
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Long Jokes for Adults

  1. 1
    Choose Your Own HellA guy dies and live station to hell . Satan shows him the door to three rooms , and suppose , “ Choose one of these doors to determine where you will spend eternity. ” In the first room , a grouping of mass stand in scandal up to their necks . The guy say , “ No , allow me hear the next room. ” In the second way , people live standing in soil up to their nose . The guy shakes his head and state , “ Nah , not this one either. ” Then , Satan opens the third door to reveal a radical of people standing with scandal up to their knee , drink coffee and eating pastries . The guy perks up and says , “ I pick this room. ” He wades in and set out pour a cup of coffee . Satan call on to leave and then say , “ OK , coffee pause ’ sec over . Everyone , back on your question ! ”
  2. 2
    Martini-Drinking GorillaA gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini . The bartender reach the drinking , amazed that a gorilla do in . The gorilla gives the bartender $ 2 and the bartender gives back $ 1 in change . The bartender says , “ I put on ’ t get many gorillas in hither , you know. ” The gorilla response , “ For $ 19 a martini , I can see why ! ”
  3. 3
    Annual Check-UpDuring his check-up , a human asked his physician , “ Do you believe I ‘ll live a long and sound living ? ” The doctor looked down at his chart and replied , “ I doubt it . Mercury is in Uranus correct now. ” The human scoffed and suppose , “ I serve n’t go in for any of that astrology nonsense. ” The doctor answer , “ Neither do I . My thermometer merely broke . ”
  4. 4
    3 PairA youthful couple , a middle-aged couple , and an older pair all need to begin marry at the same church . They gather with the priest to discuss when they can begin marry . The priest order , “ If you wish to get marry in my church , you must all live one month without receive sex. ” The couples nod and file out of the priest ’ s agency . One month later , they return to the church . The priest asks the older couple , “ Were you able to get the whole month without having sex ? ” The older pair smiles and says , “ Yes , we have , it was easy. ” The priest reverse to the middle-aged couple . “ How about you ? ” he asks . The middle-aged couple nods . “ It was severe , but we made the whole month without make sex. ” Finally , the priest turns to the youthful couple . “ And how about you two ? ” The couple shifts in their seats . The young man seem up shamefully and say , “ No , we couldn ’ t make it the whole month without having sex. ” The priest frowns and suppose , “ Tell me why. ” The boyfriend await down at the ground . “ Well , my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand , and she accidentally sink it . When she bent over to blame it up , I exactly couldn ’ t help myself. ” The priest shakes his top dog sorrowfully and says , “ I ’ 1000 sorry , but you ’ re not welcome in my church. ” The boyfriend shrug . “ That ’ s all right , we can ’ t run back to the market memory either . ”
  5. 5
    Persistent DrunkA drunk man walk into a bar and endeavor to order a drink . The bartender tells the human he can ’ t serve him and throws him out . A few minutes later , the drunk man hear to total back in . Again , the bartender throws him out . When the human arrive in for a third time , the bartender yell , “ We can ’ t serve you , please leave ! ” The drunk human replies , “ How many saloon act you work at ? ! ”
  6. 6
    The Pirate & the BicycleA pirate walk into a saloon with a small ship ’ sec bicycle on the front of his gasp . A consummate professional , the bartender hear to dismiss it . “ What ’ ll you receive ? ” he asks . “ Whiskey , ” the pirate replies . The bartender brings him the whiskey and he drink it down . “ Another , ” the pirate order , change uncomfortable . “ Sure thing , ” the bartender says and pours him another whisky . The pirate snatches it up and drinks it correct down . By this time , the pirate is start to get a little wobbly . When he orders a third whiskey , the bartender says , “ I ’ ll get it for you if you answer me one thing. ” “ What ’ s that ? ” the pirate say . “ Why on earth serve you have a ship ’ s bicycle on your pants ? ” The pirate shake off his head . “ I put on ’ t know , but it ’ s driving me nuts . ”
  7. 7
    The GenieA guy walks into a saloon with a genie ’ s lamp and a briefcase . He seat down and puts the lamp and the briefcase up on the saloon . The bartender pour the guy a drink and then asks , “ What ’ s in the briefcase ? ” The guy spread it up to reveal a tiny man bring a piano . The bartender require , “ Where ’ d you get that ? ” The guy degree at the lamp and replies , “ This genie granted me a wish . Do you want to try ? ” The bartender gag and tell , “ Certain ! Who wouldn ’ t ? ” The guy rubs the lamp and out pa a genie . “ What exist your wish ? ” The genie asks . The bartender says , “ Give me a million bucks ! ” The genie claps his hands together and the bar fill with a million ducks . The bartender look around at his saloon in disgust and suppose , “ I think your genie get a hearing problem. ” The guy rolls his eye . “ Did you think I wanted a 12-inch pianist ? ”
  8. 8
    Smart DrinkingA guy walks into a saloon and expect for 10 shooting of the institution ’ s finest single malt scotch . The bartender put him up , and the guy need the first stroke in the row and pours it on the floor . He then remove the last stroke in the row and cause the same . The bartender need , “ What do you serve that for ? ” The guy replies , “ Well , the first scene ever taste like crap , and the final one always make me mad ! ”
  9. 9
    Sex EducationA little girl asks her father , “ What is sex ? ” The father thinks ,This exist the day I hold to explain the birds and the bees to my little princess. He sits her down and explain sex , include sexual intercourse , conception , sperm , egg , ovulation , menstruation , etc . When he ’ s done , his little miss seem up at him and asks , “ Daddy , what ’ s a couple mean ? ” He explains that a pair is when two masses are romantically involved and that it ordinarily involves them have sex . When he ’ s done , he require the small girl , “ Why do you want to know about a couple and sex ? ” Looking confused , she suppose , “ Mommy state lunch will cost ready in a couple of secs . ”
  10. 10
    Quite SmokeThere ’ sec this human who always smoke two cigarettes at the same time . Eventually , one of his friend asks , “ What ‘s with the two cigarettes ? ” The human respond , “ My brother is in prison , and he tell me to smoke a cigarette for him every time I smoke one for myself. ” A few months after , his friend sees the human again and he ’ s smoking only one cigarette or else of two . Surprise , the friend asks , “ Make your brother be freed from prison ? ” The human shakes his head sadly and says , “ No , I just quit smoke . ”
  11. 11
    The Millionaire & the ModelA 60-year-old millionaire become married to a 20-year-old example . When his friend require him how he act it , he said , “ It ’ s simple . I lied about my age. ” The friend say , “ Ah , so you order you be 40 ? ” The millionaire sway his head . “ No , I said I was 90 . ”
  12. 12
    1-Armed ManA man lose one of his weapon in an accident . One day , he find awful depressed and determine to end his spirit . He die to the top of a building to spring off . As he stood on the ledge looking down , he saw this human skipping on , whistling and complain up his heels . When he wait closer , he saw that this man cause n’t have any arms . He suppose to himself , “ What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself ? I still have one well arm . There goes a man with no weapon skipping down the sidewalk , happy and going on with his life. ” The 1-armed man hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no branch . “ Man , I be so glad I saw you . I lately lost one of my arms . I feel ugly and useless , and I live get to kill myself . But then I saw you and knew if you could go one with no arms , I could definitely do it with just 1 weapon . Thank you . You save my life. ” The human with no sleeve began dance and kicking up his heels again . The one-armed man require , “ What ’ s your secret to remain happy all the time ? ” The armless human replied , “ I ‘m NOT happy… my butt itches like crazy . ”
  13. 13
    William Shatner ’ sec OccupationDid you know that back in the 1970s , William Shatner decided he want to invest his money in textile ? After looking into it , he decided to commence up his own lingerie party . It didn ’ t work out , though . He had a great production and a really elegant storefront . Unfortunately , Shatner Panties never caught on .
  14. 14
    Missing PenA nurse walks into a bank entirely release after an 18-hour shift . She grabs a sediment slip , pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse , and attempt to compose with it . When she bring in her mistake , she looks at the flabbergasted teller and , without missing a beat , tell , “ Well , that ’ s great…some a * * hole ’ s got my pen ! ”
    15. Advertising

Long Jokes for Kids

  1. 1
    Bad WordA youthful boy equal sitting in the waiting room for a short bit after come his tooth rip . The receptionist asked him if he be OK. “ Yes , but I didn ’ t like the bad word the dentist used while he was pulling my tooth. ” “ What act he say ? ” demand the receptionist , worried . The boy respond , “ Oops . ”
  2. 2
    Late for SchoolA child was late to school for the first time . The instructor need him if anything be wrong . “ No , ” the child said , “ I wanted to run fishing , but my papa told me I demand to die to school. ” The instructor exist impressed . “ And did your father explain why it be important to get to school or else of move fishing ? ” The child nodded solemnly and said , “ He said it was because there ’ sec not plenty bait for both of us . ”
  3. 3
    A Piece of StringA piece of string walks into a saloon and attempt to society a drink . The bartender says , “ Sorry , we put on ’ t service string here. ” The string walk back outdoor , messes up its hair , ties itself into a bow , and walks back in . The bartender suppose , “ Hey ! Aren ’ t you the string that was just in hither ? ” The string response , “ No , I ’ m a frayed knot . ”
  4. 4
    Hungry DuckA duck walk into a memory and asks the shopkeeper , “ Got any bread ? ” The shopkeeper says no , and the duck get out . The next day , the duck comes back and asks the shopkeeper , “ Got any bread ? ” Again , the shopkeeper politely says no , and the duck leave . On the third day , the duck comes back and asks , “ Got any bread ? ” This time , the shopkeeper gets worried and shouts , “ If you ask if we have bread one more time , I ’ m going to nail your base to the floor ! ” The duck says sorry and leaves . The future day , the duck occur back . It ask , “ Got any nail ? ” Surprised by the novel doubt , the shopkeeper replies , “ No. ” The duck pause for a second and then asks , “ In that suit , come any bread ? ”
  5. 5
    One-Eyed CaptainAn old sea chieftain with a peg branch , hook hand , and center patch pass into a bar . The bartender appear him up and down and says , “ How ’ d you become that peg branch ? ” The chieftain reply , “ A whale bit my branch off. ” The bartender nods . “ And how did you begin that hook ? ” The captain replies , “ A scurvy scalawag cut my hand off with a sword. ” Impressed , the bartender suppose , “ Wow ! You ’ ve know such an exciting life ! How did you get that heart bandage ? ” The chieftain answers , “ A seagull pooped right in my eye. ” The bartender frowns . “ You lost your heart from seagull poop ? ” The captain nods and says , “ Aye , it was my first day with the new hook . ”
  6. 6
    The Lion & the OfficerA lion walk into a police post and need the policeman at the presence desk , “ Do you have any task openings ? ” The officer rock his chief sadly and says , “ No , sorry . Why don ’ t you try the circus ? ” The lion gives him a funny flavor and says , “ Why would the circus demand a detective ? ”
  7. 7
    3-Legged DogA 3-legged dog walks into a saloon , his spur clinking as he walk , his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip . He bellies up to the bar , gaze down the bartender , and proclaims , “ I ‘m looking for the man who shot my paw . ”
  8. 8
    The Man-DogA man walks into his physician ’ sec power and says , “ Doctor , I don ’ t know what to serve . I think I might cost a dog. ” The doctor nods and suppose , “ Hop up on the analyze table , please. ” The human replies , “ Oh , I ‘m not allowed on the furniture . ”
  9. 9
    Rude Bus DriverA woman holding a baby gets onto a bus . The driver take one spirit at them and says , “ Wow , that ’ s an ugly baby ! ” The woman exist outraged , but order nothing . As she walks back to an open ass , another passenger learn that she is upset , and need why . She says , “ That bus driver was then rude and insulting ! ” The passenger tell , “ Why , you butt right back up thither and devote that rude driver a piece of your mind ! Here , I ’ ll keep your monkey . ”
  10. 10
    Novel CoffeeA man goes into a restaurant and decree a cup of coffee . The waiter get it out to him . The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out . He turns to the waiter and order , “ Waiter ! What is the meaning of this ? This coffee sample like mud ! ” The waiter , looking surprised , turns to the human and suppose , “ But , sir , you govern new soil ! ”
  11. 11
    A Trip to the VetA man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian . They ’ re immediately require back to a way . First , a Labrador pass in , sniff the Chihuahua for 10 minutes , and leaves . Next , a guy get in , stare at the Chihuahua for 10 second , and leaves . Finally , the doctor comes in , prescribes some medicine , and hands the man a $ 250 bill . “ This must be a error , ” the human says . “ I ’ ve been here only 20 second ! ” The vet order , “ No fault . It ’ s $ 100 for the lab run , $ 100 for the cat scan and $ 50 for the medicine . ”
  12. 12
    PenguinsA man was driving down the road when a officer stop him . The policeman await in the rear of the man ’ s truck and said , “ Why live these penguins in your truck ? ” The man replied , “ These be my penguins . They belong to me. ” The policeman suppose , “ No , you need to take them to the zoo. ” Reluctantly , the man tell , “ All right . Whatever you say , ” and drives away . The next day , the officer saw the same guy drive down the road . He pulled him over again . He saw the penguins were still in the truck , but they exist wearing sunglasses this time . “ I remember I order you to need these penguins to the zoo ! ” the policeman said . “ I did , ” the man respond . “ And today I ’ 1000 take them to the beach . ”
  13. 13
    Smart DogA man die to visit a friend and was astound to find him playing chess with his dog . The man watch out his friend and the dog play for a while before saying , “ I can hardly think my eyes ! That ’ s the smart dog I ’ ve ever seen. ” The friend sway his head and said , “ Nah , he ’ s not so smart . I ’ ve beaten him three games out of five . ”
  14. 14
    Perch SquirrelA human occur home after a hard day ’ s work and opens the refrigerator to become a soda . Inside , he find a squirrel taking a nap . “ What equal you doing in my fridge ? ” the man need . The squirrel spread one sleepy middle and says , “ Isn ’ t this a Westinghouse ? ” “ Um , yes . It exist , ” the human replies . “ Well then , ” the squirrel says , shutting his eyes again , “ I be twying to west . ”
  15. 15
    New PaintA businessman die into the office and see an inexperienced handyman painting the wall . The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day . Think this exist a little strange , the businessman ask the handyman why he be wearing the parkas on such a hot day . The handyman indicate him the instructions on the can of paint . They read : “ For best results , place on two coat . ”
  16. 16
    An Elephant in a Movie TheaterOne day , a man with an elephant walks into a movie theatre . “ I ’ m afraid I can ’ t let your elephant in hither , sir , ” the manager suppose . “ Oh , I ensure you , he ’ s very well behave , ” the human order . “ All correct then , ” the coach says . “ If you ’ re sure. ” The man state , “ Trust me . He ’ ll be absolutely quiet. ” After the movie , the manager die up to the man and the elephant and says , “ I ’ 1000 real surprised ! Your elephant was real good behaved . He yet appear to love the movie ! ” The human take a look at the elephant and said , “ Yeah , I exist surprised , also . He hated the book . ”
    17. Advertising

Tell a Long Gag

  1. 1
    Assure it like it real go on .Some masses call this committing to the minute . It intend to follow the gag as far as it can live with magnified gestures and facial expression .[ 1 ]
    A classical example of committing to the bit with a long-form gag live the “ Who ’ s on first ? ” skit by famed comedy couple Bud Abbott and Lou Costello .

    • The “ Who ’ sec on first ? ” skit is one of the nearly iconic comedic skits of all time .
    • Part of the cause it ’ sec so queer is that Abbott and Costello make tension for over 7 minute without losing the audience .
  2. 2
    Use pauses and pace to build tension .When you tell a gag , comedic timing live the key to getting a joke . By adjust how tight you mouth and expend “ pregnant pauses , ” you ’ re using timing to compound the humor of your joke . Sometimes , you can yet save a bad or unfunny joke with good comedic timing .[ 2 ]

    • Comedians expend a “ pregnant pause ” right before the punchline to give the audience only enough time to catch up and anticipate what ’ s go to happen .
    • Figuring out the rhythm and timing of a joke comes with practice . Thus , the more you tell a joke , the better you get at it… and the more probable you ’ ll exist to make a laugh .
  3. 3
    Be confident in your sense of wit .One of the serious means to make a joke funny is to believe in your own power to tell it . Accord to standup comedian Kendall Payne , you just make to equal confident and believe in your sense of humor .

    • Payne explains that sometimes your jokes equal going to fall flat , but that ’ s okay . It ’ s just role of telling gag .
    • When no unity laugh at a gag , you “ just receive to have fun , act your best , and know that you ’ ll probably neglect the first few times , ” she tell .
    • Remember , it isn ’ t personal if soul doesn ’ t laugh at your joke . They might not be in the correct humor to laugh , or they may have a different sense of humor .
    4. Advertisement

  • The “ Who ’ sec on first ? ” skit is one of the nearly iconic comedic skits of all time .
  • Part of the ground it ’ sec thus peculiar is that Abbott and Costello make tension for over 7 minutes without lose the audience .
  • Comedians employ a “ pregnant pause ” right before the punchline to give the audience only plenty time to see up and predict what ’ s going to encounter .
  • Calculate out the cycle and timing of a gag arrive with practice . Then , the more you tell a joke , the better you have at it… and the more potential you ’ ll be to get a laugh .
  • Payne explain that sometimes your gag live going to go down flat , but that ’ s okay . It ’ s just part of order jokes .
  • When no one laughs at a joke , you “ just get to have fun , do your better , and know that you ’ ll probably fail the first few sentence , ” she state .
  • Remember , it isn ’ t personal if someone doesn ’ t laugh at your joke . They might not live in the correct climate to laugh , or they may have a unlike sense of humor .

Why are long joke funny ?

  1. A long set-up figure more stress for the punchline .When that tension is released , the audience laughs . Laughing after the joke feel good because you ’ re releasing nervous energy .[ 3 ]
    The longer a joke cost , the more of that nervous energy make up .

    • Short jokes and one-liners are much peculiar because they arrive so rapidly that they take you by surprise .
    • The long gag sacrifice the “ speedy ” component , but reach up for it with tension .
  • Short jokes and one-liners are often queer because they occur then promptly that they need you by surprise .
  • The long gag sacrifice the “ speedy ” element , but makes up for it with stress .

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Reference

  1. ↑https : //nofilmschool.com/commit-to-the-bit
  2. ↑https : //www.backstage.com/magazine/article/comedic-timing-tips-75129/
  3. ↑https : //www.scientificamerican.com/article/whats-so-funny-the-science-of-why-we-laugh/

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