Antiquities Jokes
94 antiquities jokes and hilarious antiquities puns to laugh out loud . Take gag about antiquities that cost clean and suitable for kid and friend .
- Short Antiquities Joke
- Antiquities One Liners
- More Antiquities Jokes
Funniest Antiquities Short Jokes
Short antiquities gag and punsexist one of the serious ways to own fun with tidings play in English . The antiquities humour may include short jokes too .
- My grandfather pass me an antique clock , but it exist escape its instant hand and hr handI guess that ‘s what happen when you get a second hand clock
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value .Beach better receive my money
- Thus I was shopping online for antique guns …..and I get to the World War II part . I selected guns of French source . They be all in mint circumstance .
- My friend simply tell me , Move to antique stores is gay .I order , No . It makes you buy curios .
- A communist and his friend pass into an antique shopHis friend order :
Woah , spirit at this really fancy cone glass affair with the sand ! , its mine !
The communist suppose :
no
Its Hourglass - Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique memory ?It cost a knick knack paddywhack !
- You know you ‘re begin old whenwhen you live to an antique auction and three people invite on you .
Happy Cake Day to me ! - When you give a lot for an “ antique ” chair and then feel out that it ‘s just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up ,that ‘s distressing .
- What act my papa and an antique door have in mutual ?They ‘re both worth more than they utilize to be , yet though they ‘re unhinged and their knobs serve n’t solve .
- I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword equal worth .Rather of make up all nosy about where all the blood get from .
Antiquities One Liners
Which antiquities one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with antiquities ? I can hint the ace about and .
- I inherited my great-grandfather ‘s antique wig-making equipment .It ‘s a household hairloom .
- What do you predict an old ant ?An antique
- What do you name a connoisseur of ancient humor ?Antique-witty
- I walk into the antique storeAnd I asked the clerk , what ‘s novel ?
- I just bought an antique clock with escape hands .I believe it ‘s a timeless treasure .
- You should check out that Egyptian antiquities memory .They receive a mummy-back guarantee !
- Antique shop owner in the middle east have one ruleDubreak , Dubai .
- What act you scream the corpses of slaves from the 1700s ?Antique farm equipment
- You know you ‘re old when you walk into a antique storeAnd they start bidding on you .
- What do you call a disney movie about antique cooking productpewter pan
- What ‘s an ant favourite collectible itemAntiques
- One of my most prized possessions live an antique globe ,it think of the world to me .
- Ten year ago buy a rare antique flute for $ 1,000 …It exist a sound investment .
- I accidentally tend into a guy that once betray me an antique ball .It ‘s a small world .
- A friend bequeathed to me an antique watchI actually hope it ‘s not a tip up .
Antiquities Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns .
What funny joke about antiquities you can say and cause people laugh ? An example I can hold exist a sporting jokes that will for sure set a smile on everyones mouth and aid you do antiquities pranks .
A guy walks into an antique memory and buys a grandfather clock , he walk out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy . ( they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to minute )
The guy says to the drunk , “ Why serve n’t you watch where your going ? ” and the drunk says , “ Why do n’t you carry a wrist watch like everybody else ? ”
It be entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed : “ I ‘m here to put you into a trance ;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience . ”
The excitement cost almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat .
” I desire you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It ‘s a real particular watch . It ‘s be in my class for six generations ”
He began to swing the watch softly back and forth while softly chanting , “ Watch the watch , watch the watch , see the watch … ”
The crowd turn mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth , light gleaming off its polished surface .
Hundreds of pair eye followed the swaying watch , until , of a sudden , it slipped from the hypnotist ‘s fingers and hang to the story , break into a hundred pieces .
” SH * T ! ” order the Hypnotist .
It took three day to clean up the Senior Center .
A woman die into an antique shop and says to the owner , “ when I cost in here final week I see a big mug with a flat chief that holds a lot of beer . I ’ d like to buy it . ”
” Sorry , ” respond the owner , “ but I can ’ t sell you that . ”
” Why not ” ask the customer ?
” Because that ’ s my husband . ”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may hold profanity or explicit language
A paralegal , an associate , and a spouse of a prestigious police firm cost walk through a city park and they feel an antique oil lamp .
They rub it and a Genie arrive out in a puff of smoke .
The Genie say , “ I normally only grant three wishes , so I ‘ll have each of you one . ”
” Me first ! ” says the paralegal . “ I desire to cost in the Bahamas , drive a speedboat with Tom Cruise . ”
p * * … ! She ‘s die .
” Me next ! ” order the associate . “ I want to cost in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other . ”
p * * … ! He ‘s gone .
” You ‘re next , ” the Genie says to the partner .
The spouse says : “ I want those two back in the office after lunch . ”
How can you state that you ‘re getting former ? You run to an antique auction and three mass invite on you !
I purchase an antique camera the early day …
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may check profanity or explicit language
Yet another genie in the lamp gag
A sale rep , an establishment clerk , and their director are walk to lunch when they see an antique oil lamp .
They itch it and a Genie come out . The Genie says , ‘ I ‘ll give each of you just one wish . ‘
‘Me first ! Me first ! ‘ says the admin clerk . ‘ I desire to live in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat , without a concern in the public . ‘ p * * … ! She ‘s become .
‘Me next ! Me future ! ‘ says the sale rep. ‘ I want to live in Hawaii , relax on the beach with my personal masseuse , an endless supply of Pina Coladas , and the love of my life . ‘ p * * … ! He ‘s become .
‘OK , you ‘re up , ‘ the Genie tell to the director . The manager tell , ‘ I require those two back in the office after lunch . ‘
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may comprise profanity or explicit words
A grad scholar , a post-doc , and a professor are walk through a city park …
A grad student , a post-doc , and a professor be walk through a city park and they notice an antique oil lamp . They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke .
The Genie says , “ I usually merely grant three wish , so I ‘ll devote each of you exactly one . ”
” Me first ! Me first ! ” says the grad scholar . “ I want to be in the Bahamas , drive a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes t * * …. ” p * * … ! He ‘s die .
” Me future ! Me next ! ” says the post-doc . “ I want to be in Hawaii , relax on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the early . ” p * * … ! He ‘s become .
” You ‘re future , ” the Genie order to the professor .
The professor says , “ I require those guys back in the lab after lunch . ”
A frog walks into a bank …
to begin a loan . He wait in tune and when the teller calls him he walk up to act his thing .
” Hi , I ‘m Patty Black , what can I serve for you today ? ” she ask .
He replies , “ I ‘m hither to make a loan . ”
” Well what make you own for collateral ? ”
” All I have is this antique bronze statuette that I prevent on my mantel , ” he tells her .
She exist unsure about what she can cause since it seems like a pretty worthless trinket .
” Have me take that statuette to my manager and find if we ca n’t get you your loan Mr. Frog ”
Hence Patty bring the bronze statuette to her bank director and state him the account . There ‘s a frog trying to get a loan and all he has is a apparently worthless statue .
After hearing her explain the position the bank manager says without hesitation , “ It ‘s a knick-knack Patty Black , give the frog a loan ! ”
Wan na know something interesting about Roland Emmerich ?
He own one of those antique steamboats , the kind with the giant bicycle on the back , and he actually sail with it . In river of course , the exposed ocean exist far also choppy , and would damage the antique boat . Anyhow , he ‘s begin an full house adjust up on the boat , complete with life quarters , entertainment rooms , and even a workout way . Sometimes Roland likes to bring guests on the boat , once there cost this fat chick mention Mary , she spend her whole time in the workout way burning fat , she be pretty proud of herself for it also .
Roland yet takes the boat up and down respective rivers to this day ,
with the large bicycle prevent on turning ,
Proud Mary go on on burning ,
Roland ,
Roland ,
Roland on the River !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit words
A Greek and an Italian …
exist argue the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity .
The Greek state , “ Us Greeks hold great armies and built a great empire that elaborate throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor . ”
The Italian says , “ And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire , encompass most of Europe and portion of Asia and Africa . ”
The Greek say , “ But the Greeks do great advances in art and philosophy ! ”
And the Italian say , “ Yes , and the Romans made even great advance in architecture and science ! ”
The Greek live make frustrate today , and blurts out , “ Good , we find out the pleasure of honey and s * * … ! ”
The Italian responds , “ Yeah , but we bring in the concept to women . ”
Over smart .
A youthful businessman own only started his own firm . He had just rent a beautiful office and own it render with antiques .
He saw a human arrive into the outer office . Like to appear the hot stroke , the businessman pick up the phone and start to pretend he had a bad deal influence . He threw huge figures around and make giant commitments .
Eventually he hang up up and asked the visitor , “ Can I serve you ? ”
” Yeah , I ‘ve come to trigger your phone line . ”
You ‘re walk down the street when you notice an former antique lamp . You give it a shine , and a robotic genie pops out . What do you do ?
Brooke Gladstone told this on “ On The Media ” today . Tell it to respective people and no one else believe it was almost as peculiar as I behave except for my buddy and my wife .
Okay . So a guy equal going down the street and he find his friend . He own n’t meet him for I do n’t know how long . And he has this big orange head . And , and he become up to him and he goes , hey , what ‘s with the large orange head ? And he die , you know , it ‘s a queer story . I live , I was in an antique store and I found this lamp and I , I scratch it and a genie arrive out , it gave me three wish . And thus , I wished for a gorgeous house and , and you see behind me this vast mansion . Yeah , it ‘s truly decent . That ‘s the firm . And then I care for a beautiful wife , and , and you see that real lovely blonde arrive down the street . That ‘s my wife ! And , and then hither ‘s where I recall I die wrong . I wished for a big orange head .
China lands on the moon !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit lyric
Your better “ Your p * * … ‘s thus … ”
Your p * * … ‘s then wrinkled I mistook it for an antique coin purse .
My 98 year former grandmother told us this one , in french
A human and his wife run into an antique store and start looking around . They walk by the shop owner ‘s parrot who appear at the human and says , “ Hey ! ” The man seem at the parrot and the parrot says to him , “ YOU ‘RE WIFE IS SOOOO UGLY ! ”
Of a sudden the shop owner storm over to the parrot and starts slapping the parrot . “ I ‘ve told you not to mouth to the customers like that ! I BETTER NOT CATCH YOU perform IT AGAIN ! ” Then the store owner become to the man , “ I ‘m sorry about my parrot . He wo n’t annoy you again . ”
So the shopkeeper goes back behind the counter and the man and his wife keep shopping . Then the parrot whisper at the human , “ Hey ! ” The human go over to the parrot . The parrot appear around for the store keeper and saw that he be n’t around . Then the parrot run in and whisper , “ You know . ”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may hold profanity or explicit words
What serve you shout a Mexican that buy antiques in America ?
I care my women like I like my antiques . . .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hipsters dose it take to alter a light bulb ?
A : None they own a guy for that comes on Tuesdays just uses procreation of antique bulbs
What ‘s it predict when you move around looking for material to buy that ‘s cause in America ?
Some friends , a lesbian couple …
bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday . I believe they mistook me when I said “ I wan na watch ” .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit language
My black girlfriend told me this on our first date .
What cause you call 200 dark masses in a barn ?
Antique farm equipment .
I see it took at least two elephant to do the keys on my antique piano
I get no idea they make up able of such delicate study .
What make you call a shed total of colored folk ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit words
Do you know anything about antiques ?
Campaign I find a t * * … in my backyard and I wanted to know what period it was from .
What do you call two old grim men standing in a shed ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may control profanity or explicit language
What do you shout a black guy in a museum ?
What act you predict four black guys hang in a barn ?
A husband and wife in their sixties live total up on their 40th wedding anniversary .
Knowing his wIfe enjoy antiques , he purchase a beautiful former brass oil lamp for her .
When she unwrapped it , a genie come out .
He thank them and devote each of them one wish .
The wife like for an all expense pay , first course , around the world cruise with her husband .
Shazam !
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey , plus expensive slope trip , dinner , shopping , etc .
The husband , however , wished he hold a female fellow who was 30 years youthful .
Shazam !
Instantly he grow 93 years former .
I tried to deal my Thomas the Tank Engine train band at an antiques fund today .
“ You would make come more for it if the fat controller was n’t miss . ” Tell the assistant .
” Yeah , you ‘re likely correct . ” I reply . “ She ‘s good at haggling . ”
I time travel with my wife and get out her there .
My brother-in-law , a retired farmer , gather antique tractors .
He own an intact barn good of them , absolutely astound , not still any room to walk , and all in perfect working ordering . He confide in me the other day what his bad concern exist . “ A barn flame ? ” I asked . “ No , not at all . I ‘m afraid that when I equal gone , my wife will sell all my tractors for what I recount her I pay for them . ”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit lyric
What act you call an antique t * * … ?
I came walking in from the kitchen , and asked my niece for the phone record .
She laughed and name me an antique , then proceeded to give me her phone .
Long story suddenly , the spider ‘s dead , and she ‘s in the life room crying .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may hold profanity or explicit language
A PhD pupil , a post-doc , and their professor live walking through a city park .
They find an antique oil lamp . They itch it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke .
The Genie suppose , I ordinarily alone grant three wish , so I ‘ll devote each of you just one .
Me first ! Me first ! tell the PhD scholar .
I require to equal in the Bahamas , push back a speedboat with a gorgeous woman .
p * * … ! He ‘s move .
Me future ! Me next ! order the post-doc . I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other .
p * * … ! He ‘s gone .
You ‘re future , the Genie state to the professor .
The professor state , I need those guy back in the lab after lunch .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit speech
Yo mama so s * * …
She went to an antique store and said what ‘s new ?
I buy an antique and rare yo-yo and predict myself that I would n’t employ it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the antique dealer conceive a p * * … ?
Antiques
So my pa just bought an wooden table today . He state it ‘s very old and it might even cost an anteak .
What ‘s the bad part about visit the grandparents ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may carry profanity or explicit speech
s * * … pun ive always heard fml
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may contain profanity or explicit lyric
h * * … find an antique oil lamp . He rubs it , a genie pops out and grants him one wish .
“ Only one wish , you scrooge ? Go back to your lamp and light it ! ”
My mother does n’t say much , but she always looks on the bright slope
They say “ it ‘s cold ” , she order “ … or new ”
They tell “ it ‘s old ” , she say “ … or antique ”
They say “ it ‘s over ” , she suppose “ … or beginning ”
They say “ your boy is a second weird ” , she state “ … or tissed ”
whatever that means .
My dad wants me to help him buy a tablet , but I ‘m not gon na make it .
There ‘s no path I ‘m make sweep up with these black-market antiquities dealers .
Be careful , this ace an antique
A Soviet citizen make spent a few years saving up to buy a fresh car . At last he begin his 10,000 rubles together and head to the nation office . He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles . The official behind the desk look it over for a second , counts the money , and look up .
” Very well comrade , you are approved and are invest on the list . In 10 yr you will come in to consent delivery . ”
The man say “ thank you comrade , but will that exist dawn or afternoon ? ”
The official , fairly shock , says “ who cares ? Its 10 years from now . ”
The human explains “ well , the plumber ‘s coming in the dawn … ”
I distrust my roommate stole my antique measure scale .
What do you yell an antique comb used to make braids , ass , and Celtic knots passed from genesis to genesis
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit lyric
p * * … took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow
“ Ooh ! ” said thew presenter , “ This be a rare breed , cause you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in well condition ? ”
” Sticks . ” answer p * * ….
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may carry profanity or explicit language
What do you call your mother ‘s mother ‘s mother ‘s sister ?
Your great antique .
Follow up Joke : what make call your father ‘s father ‘s father ? Old as h * * ….
Both gag courtesy of the 10 year former comedian in my theatre .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This gag may carry profanity or explicit language
I see an old violin and a picture in the attic .
The antique dealer say , “ The good news is you ‘ve get a Stradivarius and a Picasso . The bad news exist Stradivarius was a dreadful painter and Picasso make c * * … violins . ”
Mary and Jane exist old friends .
They have both be married to their husbands for a long time ; Mary equal disturb because she thinks her husband do n’t find her attractive anymore .
” As I begin older he act n’t trouble to await at me ! ” Mary shout .
” I ‘m so sorry for you , as I get old my husband says I get more beautiful every day . ” replies Jane .
” Yes , but your husband ‘s an antique dealer ! ”
A knight
A guy walk into his usual bar and club a beer . He notices a entire case of armor suffer on show by the bar . “ Where did you have that ? ” the guy asks the bartender . “ I peck it up at an antique fund downtown , ” the bartender says . “ It just cost $ 2,500 . ” “ Geez , all that money for a knight ? ” the guy exclaim . “ Oh , no , ” the bartender hastens to reassure him . “ You get to keep it forever . ”
A youthful businessman had exactly start his own firm .
A youthful businessman had only start his own firm . He rent a beautiful office and supply it with antiques . Sit down thither , he saw a human get into the outer office . Wanting to seem busy , he picked up the phone and begin to guess big lot be in the study . He cast a huge pattern around and build giant commitments . Finally he hung up and asked : Can I assist you ?
Sure , the man said I ‘ve come to relate the phone .
