Jokes for Guides
160 hilarious guide jokes and puns to make you burst out laughing. Enjoy clean and family-friendly humor about guides, perfect for kids and friends.
Make your river rafting, college tour, mountain climbing, or fishing adventures unforgettable by mastering the finest guide jokes from this detailed resource. Discover which quips will amuse the tourist guide, girl guide, or TV guide spectators as you browse the brochure. Whether you’re exploring the jungle or trekking the peaks, these jokes are guaranteed to add laughter to your travels!
- Brief Handbook of Humor
- One-Liners for Guides
- Tour Guide Humor
- Puns About Guide Dogs
Humorous Takes on Canine Assistants
Light-Hearted Quips for Seeing Eye Dogs
Witty Remarks About Assistance Dogs
Funny Lines for Guide Canines - Mountain Guide Humor
- Additional Guide Humor
Hilarious Handbook of Quick Jokes
Quick tips for humor: jokes and wordplayWord games stand out as one of the most enjoyable ways to engage in playful language activities in English. The guide humour might also feature brief instructional jokes.
- With each passing year, as I reflect on those I’ve lost over time, I find myself thinking…Perhaps becoming a tour guide wasn’t the right path for me.
- A detailed, sequential tutorial on the process of tumbling down a staircaseStep 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:
Step 18:
Step 25:
Hospital - I’ve been going through a book titled *How To Use A Ladder*.This is essentially a detailed, sequential instruction manual.
- Gender-neutral guide: Fireman = FirefighterLaw enforcement officer = Law enforcement combatant
Mailman = Mailwarrior
Fisherman = Fisherfighter - A Complete Handbook for Emulating the Life of JesusBecome a skilled carpenter.
2. Show kindness and respect in your actions.
3. ???
4. Prophet. - I think there ought to be a travel guide dedicated to India titledA comprehensive guide to India: Understanding the Hindus and the Hindont’s
- How much time will an author need to complete “The Guide To All The World’s Great Beers”?The number of drafts they need to review will determine it.
- Three months back, I purchased an online guide about becoming a thief.I still haven’t gotten it.
- The tale of the blind man who embraced skydiving.He enjoyed himself immensely, but his guide dog did not.
- I noticed a man being guided by his dog and using a cane. Approaching him, I remarked, “You must be blind.”He responded, “Give me some new information!”
I exclaimed, “Look, a tree is right there!”
Guide One Liners
Which guide one-liners are hilarious enough to break the ice and poke fun at guides? I’d recommend the ones focusing on instructions and guards.
- I authored a book about the art of tumbling down a flight of stairs.This is a detailed, sequential instruction manual.
- I purchased a guide on constructing staircases.A detailed, sequential guide
- Mastering the craft of Trolling: A comprehensive guide.
- How does a blind skydiver determine when to prepare for landing?The leash of the guide dog comes undone
- What is the simplest method for constructing stairs?Following a detailed, sequential instruction manual
- I recently completed reading ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’.1 out of 10. The most useless guide I’ve ever seen.
- Escalator Literature.a detailed guide to achieving higher levels
- A step-by-step manual for ascending staircases correctly:Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 3)
Proceed to Step 4. - Discover the definitive resource for sewing and hemming garments.Apologies, this was posted in the incorrect thread.
- What’s the best way to help a child learn how to climb stairs?Follow a detailed, step-by-step guide.
- Mastering the art of procrastination…I’ll let you know later…
- My friends arranged for me to go on a blind date.I’m so excited to meet her guide dog!
- My guide dog has doubts about my reliability.I can see it in the way he looks at me.
- A detailed walkthrough for mastering parallel parking!Find another place to park.
- What makes a blind date so exciting?The assistance dogs.
Tour Guide Humor
Check out this collection of hilarious tour guide jokes and even more amusing tour guide puns guaranteed to entertain you and your friends.
- During a school excursion, I visited a coffee production facility.During a guided tour of the production line, tragedy struck when one of my friends accidentally fell into the coffee grinder and lost their life.
Fortunately, it happened immediately. - During my travels in Africa, I received a request to evaluate the tour guide.I replied, “Safari’s pretty good.”
- Our tour guide directed our focus toward the sandstone formation on our right side.He didn’t want us to assume it was guaranteed.
- Batman guided me on my tour across Antarctica.Is there anything worth discovering in this area?
Justice. - Disappear.A Jamaican tour guide positioned near the dock.
- Donald Trump is putting my family business at risk of ruin. I’m unsure how to break the news to my children.How can a wetlands tour guide earn a living under these circumstances?
- Why did the tour guide at the Louvre accept such low pay?This explanation doesn’t add up logically.
- With four children to care for, I made the decision to close the factory for good.I continue to offer tours—they’re self-guided, but no one seems to mind.
- I was fired from my job as a tour guide in Vatican City.While discussing the pope, we rounded a bend, and I remarked, “Ah, speak of the devil.”
- During a brewery visit, the guide inquired about a tragic event that occurred in the early 20th century.Clearly, granting women the right to vote wasn’t the correct solution.
Puns and Humor About Guide Dogs
Check out these hilarious guide dog jokes and even funnier guide dog puns that are sure to bring laughter when shared with friends.
- I went for a ride yesterday evening, and it seems Uber isn’t very selective about who they employ these days.I had to take the backseat since the driver’s guide-dog was sitting in the front passenger seat.
- A woman who is blind enters a bar, grabs her guide dog’s leash, and begins twirling it in the air.The bartender inquires about her actions, and the blind girl replies: “I’m simply taking a look around.”
- A visually impaired individual visits an optometrist.During an eye exam, the optician removes his guide dog, substitutes it with a different one, and inquires, “Does this improve your vision?”
- “My vision stretches far into the distance,”Miles’s guide dog replied.
- A man named Miles is blind—what do they call his guide dog?Roger Daltrey.
- Why do individuals who are blind avoid bungee-jumping?Training a guide dog is extremely demanding, so it’s simply not worth the strain on the animal.
- Every canine serves as a guiding companion.If you’re indifferent to your destination.
- The Gentleman’s Handbook to Elegant DiningA man asked a woman to join him at his house for a dinner featuring seven courses.
“That’s wonderful,” she replied. “What’s on the menu?”
He replied, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.” - How was your blind date?A bit of a mess, really—our guide Dogs began to fight.
- My Labrador helps visually impaired individuals navigate their travels.This is a guide dog for tours.
Mountain Guide Humor
Check out these hilarious mountain guide jokes and even funnier mountain guide puns that are sure to get your friends laughing.
- A trembling climber gazes up at the towering peak…Which his guide had suggested ascending.
– Is it common for people to fall in this area?
– The guide responded that a single attempt is often sufficient.
Humorous Themes and Subjects in Comedy
- guidance
- instructions
- guard
- assist
- helper
- direction
- hint
- trainer
- consult
- advisor
- compass
- monitor
- console
- coach
- brochure
- assistance dog for the visually impaired
- travel guide
- travel guide
- leash
- climb
- step
- tourist
- manual
- navigate
- pamphlet
Absurd Guide Humor to Ignite Joy and Chuckles
What hilarious jokes about guide can you share to get people laughing? For instance, I can offer some clean, witty assist jokes that are guaranteed to bring a smile to everyone’s face and inspire playful guide pranks.
My guide for cave exploration inquired whether I had any prior experience with repelling.
I explained to him that for years, I’ve been pushing people away.
China is so dangerous that even the Great Wall was built to keep the people inside safe from the rest of the world.
An American visitor traveling in China accidentally stumbled into a construction pit. After climbing out with injuries, he confronted the tour guide in frustration, saying, “Back in the U.S., we always mark hazardous zones with red flags as a warning. Why wasn’t that done here?”
The Chinese tour guide responded with complete composure, “You saw it when you arrived in the country, didn’t you?”
Ultimate handbook for discreetly carrying knives past TSA security.
The switchblade method has been successful for me in all seven attempts up to now.
Step 1: Have white skin.
Tour guide
A tour bus is traveling through the Highlands when the guide notices a sheep with its head trapped in a fence. He halts the bus, steps out, and says, “Watch this,” before striking the sheep.
After he finishes, he fastens his pants and inquires, “Would anyone else like a go?”
A different person from the tour responds, “Sure, I will,” and puts his head through the fence.
The “Era” of Dinosaurs
A mother brings her kids to a natural history museum. While marveling at the *Tyrannosaurus rex* skeleton, she turns to an enthusiastic young guide and inquires, “Could you let us know how old this fossil is?”
The museum guide replies, “Actually, that specific skeleton is precisely 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old.”
“Wonderful!” the mother responds. “How do you understand that so perfectly?”
“Ah,” the museum guide responded with enthusiasm, “when I first began my job here, I posed that very question to a researcher studying it. He informed me the specimen was 65 million years old. That conversation took place exactly 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days back.”
A Giza tour guide described the Pyramids as being 10,002 years old.
A person from the audience inquired, “That seems unusually precise—are you certain about that date?”
“Indeed, I’m certain. When I began working here two years ago, I was informed they were 10,000 years old.”
A man journeys to New Guinea.
A man journeys to New Guinea with the intention of observing the local inhabitants, but he fears being consumed by cannibals. To ease his concerns, he inquires of the guide: “Do cannibals still exist in this region?”
The guide responds: “No, the final cannibal was consumed only seven days back.”
A tour bus makes its way across Nevada…
the route quickly skirts past the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide mentions, “We are currently moving past the biggest legal brothel in the United States.”
From the rear of the room, a man yells, “WHY?!?”
The Japanese often reflect on the names they create.
Guy1: “How come Samurai who don’t serve a master are named Ronin?”
Guys2: “Since they lack a Master to lead and discipline them, they’re nothing but Ronin wandering aimlessly.”
What dining guide should someone from Chicago follow while in Japan?
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include strong language or adult content.
the sightless convict
A blind man enters a restaurant accompanied by an American Bull Terrier. The manager confronts him about the dog, questioning its presence. When asked what the issue was, the man is told that a Bull Terrier doesn’t qualify as a guide dog. Enraged, he begins yelling, claiming the b**… who sold him the animal had insisted it was a Labrador.
Shortest books ever written
1. The Australian Guide to Foreplay.
2. The Pope’s stance on contraception.
3. The U.S. Handbook for Proper Manners.
4. Strong and Enduring Marriages Within the British Royal Family.
5. Ethical Considerations in Consumer Marketing.
6. Professional Paths for History Majors.
7. Memories of My Life by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Humor and Insight of George W. Bush.
10. My Achievements by Barack Obama.
Mountain guide for hiking expeditions
A guide was taking a group on a mountain hike when he gestured toward an impressive peak. “This is the favorite among climbers,” he explained. “On any given day, you’ll see several teams attempting it. The climb up can last from two to five hours, depending on your ability. Coming down might take four hours—or just 30 seconds, again based on your skill.”
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include strong language or graphic content
I approached a grocery store employee and requested assistance in locating the v**…
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include offensive words or graphic content.
A British quip poking fun at Americans…
An American enjoys a guided tour of London. As they explore the city, the visitor smiles and remarks to the guide:
“Hey buddy, what’s the deal with how tiny everything is around here? Take this building—back in America, it’d be ten times larger…”
“Absolutely, sir! It’s pure chaos in there.”
I’m a zoo guide. Do you have a favorite animal joke?
I lead guided tours at a zoo. Since each tour lasts several hours, it’s important to keep the guests entertained and add some fun to the experience. Do you have a favorite animal joke I could share during my tours?
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include strong language or adult content.
Ways to Make a Positive Impression on Your Boss
Arrive ahead of schedule.
Ensure all necessary tools are prepared and ready for use.
3. Review the strategy guide.
Target the large, radiant vulnerable area (typically the eyes).
Child visiting the museum
Child: “What’s the age of that Tyrannosaurus fossil?”
Guide: “70,000,006 years ago.”
Child: “That’s amazing. How do you manage to be so precise?”
Guide: “When I first began working here, they informed me it was 70,000,000 years old.”
Amusing anecdotes shared by my rafting guide during the trip.
* Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
Because liberty resounds.
What do you name a cow that has no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you name a two-legged cow?
Lean cuts of beef.
What do you name a cow that has only one leg?
A cut of beef.
What were Douglas Adams’ words upon completing the initial chapter of *The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy*?
A man from Texas is currently traveling through Europe for his holiday.
While strolling with a tour guide, they notice graffiti on which someone has sprayed the phrase “Yankee go home!”
Flustered and slightly embarrassed, the tour guide apologized, saying, “Sorry you had to witness that.”
The Texan remarked, “No need to fret—back home, we’re not fond of them either.”
Niagara Falls
A tour guide pointed out Niagara Falls to a Texan visitor and remarked, “I doubt you’ve got anything like this back in Texas.”
The Texan replied, “No, but in Texas, we’ve got plumbers who can handle the job.”
A shop entrance is crossed by a man without sight…
He grabs his guide dog by the tail and begins swinging it over his head. “Do you need any assistance?” the shop assistant inquires. “No, thank you,” the man replies. “I’m simply browsing.”
A sales associate recently helped me choose the right liquor for the upcoming holiday festivities.
While organizing my loft earlier, I stumbled upon a documented register of paedophiles.
Naturally, I was completely puzzled to discover something like this in my attic. After a moment of disbelief, I took a closer look and saw that it was a TV guide dating back to 1973.
The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Hipster in Just One Step
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include offensive words or graphic content
My criteria for deciding whether to sleep with a woman mirrored how I selected outdoor activities.
If I were stranded on a desert island, the three items I’d choose would be a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
Using the trapping guide allowed me to set up snares and avoid hunger, while the purifier provided clean water to prevent thirst. The car door’s window could be rolled down to keep me cool in the heat.
I was journeying through Europe.
Traveled to Austria as part of a guided tour and visited a well-known cemetery. Everyone in the group noticed an odd noise. After a short while, I turned to the guide and asked, “What’s that sound?” Without hesitation, he replied, “No need to worry—it’s just Beethoven de-composing.”
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include strong language or adult content.
A step-by-step tutorial for gracefully descending a staircase in the least elegant way possible.
Women: A handbook for decoding men’s language…
If a guy calls you hot, he’s focused on your physical appearance.
If a man tells you that you’re pretty, his attention is focused on your facial features.
If a man calls you fabulous, his attention is actually on your brother.
Bush, Obama, and Trump embark on a hunting expedition together.
Their hunting guide advises them to locate and trail the tracks, which will lead them to their target.
Bush trails a set of prints and bags a bear. Obama traces a path and takes down a deer.
Trump walks along the railroad tracks and is struck by an oncoming train.
A physicist visited Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is often referred to as Sin City.
Scientist: Are you aware of what Den City actually is?
Tour guide: I’m afraid I don’t have that information.
Density is defined by a physicist as mass divided by volume.
I’ll show myself the door.
Inside an ancient castle, a woman speaks to the tour guide…
“People say this place is haunted. It really terrifies me!”
The guide remarks: “In all my 558 years at this job, not once have I encountered a ghost…”
A group of tourists
A guided tour group is escorted along a mountain trail.
A tourist grows visibly anxious and turns to their local guide, saying:
“You really should have installed a handrail along the edge”
The guide provides responses to:
“There was a handrail, but the cost became prohibitive since tourists frequently pulled it down during their falls.”
While browsing my TV Guide, I came across a program titled “Die Kardashians.” At first glance, I believed I had discovered my next must-watch series…
I purchased an online book titled “A beginner’s guide to Origami.”
It came as a crumpled sheet of paper.
My wife mentioned that there are a huge number of ISO posts on Facebook for Girl Guide cookies.
I suggested listing it at a higher price since they are still sealed in their original packaging.
A foreign visitor from the West touring North Korea
A Western journalist embarks on a guided tour of North Korea. Upon arriving in Pyongyang, an officially approved government tour guide escorts him through the city. He visits the impressive shops and streets, eventually reaching the grand 30-story monument dedicated to Kim Jong Un.
“Wow, this is truly stunning—you must feel so proud of it!” he exclaimed.
The tour guide gave a nod and said, “Indeed, we should take great pride in this.”
Easy Steps for Enjoying Cake
If it’s one o’clock and you don’t feel like eating the entire cake, have half now and save the rest for later. You can split the cake and enjoy the second portion at two.
What’s the recipe for creating a honeymoon salad?
Plain lettuce only, no dressings allowed.
The following acknowledgment is attributed to the tour guide aboard the Maid of the Mist circa 1996.
A spooky joke just for Halloween
A group of tourists is exploring the ruins of an ancient castle. One woman says to their guide:
I’m scared. I feel like this place could be haunted!
-Don’t be concerned. I’ve resided here for three centuries, yet I’ve never encountered any spirits.
I once came across a restroom with a sign that read, “Aim like a Jedi, not like a Stormtrooper.”
I shut my eyes and allowed the force to direct me while I urinated.
Bring a Flashlight
A visitor was guided through the wetlands of Florida.
“Can you confirm,” the visitor inquired, “that carrying a flashlight will prevent an alligator from attacking you?”
“It varies,” answered the guide, “depending on how quickly you hold the flashlight.”
I was in the middle of playing Grand Theft Auto 5 when it suddenly crashed, and an error message appeared on the screen.
The message stated, “Unfortunately, the game is corrupted, and the data will be erased.” Frustrated and disheartened by the loss of hundreds of hours of progress, I searched online for an explanation. I came across a tutorial suggesting that restarting the game on the same console, visiting the closest garage, and speaking to the mechanic working on the vehicle might resolve the issue. Following these steps, I managed to recover my previous save files!
Praise the heavens for that gameplay feature.
What occurs if you’re unable to git gud?
Haunted fortress
A young traveler from America took a guided trip through an eerie ancient castle in England. “What did you think of the tour?” the guide inquired once it concluded.
“The experience was wonderful,” the tourist answered, “though I couldn’t shake the fear of encountering a ghost in those shadowy corridors.”
“Don’t be concerned,” the guide assured. “In all my years here, I’ve never once encountered a ghost.”
“How much time will that take?” inquired the tourist.
“Oh, roughly three centuries.”
A hunter and his guide ventured far into the mountains before pausing to take a break.
The hunter looked at his friend and pondered, “You realize I’m quite a large man. If I suffered a heart attack or fractured a leg, how would you manage to carry me out?”
“Last year, I hunted down a moose weighing sixteen hundred pounds deep in the woods and managed to bring it out successfully,” the guide answered.
“How did you pull that off?”
“Twelve journeys.”
Step-by-Step Instructions: How to Tumble Down a Flight of Stairs
A dolphin joke…came up with it myself today. 🙂
An aquarium guide led a tour group to observe the dolphins, which were separated into two enclosures. In the initial tank, the dolphins were enjoying themselves, tossing a beach ball. Meanwhile, in the second tank, the dolphins were focused, practicing a new maneuver. A visitor inquired, “Is this the tank for the more dedicated dolphins?” The guide replied, “Indeed, for all intensive porpoises.”
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include offensive words or graphic content.
What is the preferred book of Ted Nugent?
A man embarked on a partially guided hunting expedition in the isolated wilds.
On the initial day before departure, the guide advised him to fire three arrows skyward if he became lost. True to form, the man soon found himself disoriented and followed the instructions. No one arrived. This pattern repeated for the next four days. Ultimately, on the fifth day, a rescue team found the stranded man just in time—he had only a single arrow remaining.
Steps to establish a financially thriving church:
Step 1: Discover how to communicate with your God
Complete Step 2: Perform the Task
Step 3: Prophet!!!
To receive a beginner’s guide on communicating with your God, kindly send $9.99 to the address of my church. For more information, please email us.
A league where plants engage in combat—what’s its name?
🚨 Caution 🚨
This joke might include strong language or content that is not suitable for all audiences.
A Plant’s Manual to a**… Suffocation
Life resembles a Zelda Game. There’s no tutorial to guide you…
…However, it includes several irritating guide characters.
Mr. Rogers outlined a nine-step method for communicating with children. I offer just a single step.
Two mountaineers were trekking across a glacier.
One says to the other: “Last time I was up here, my tour guide fell into that ravine.” The other climber looks confused. “Why are you bringing that up so casually?” The first climber shrugs and replies: “Well, it was already missing a few pages.”
