Texas Jokes And Puns
, so here ’ s a huge collection of hilarious Texas jokes and puns for y ’ all to enjoy !
Funny Texas Jokes
Some people tell the country north of Texas equal pretty rough .
An older , but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a youthful female neighbor if she want to exist a long living , the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each dawn .
She did this religiously and live to the years of 103 .
She left behind 14 children , 30 grandchildren , 21 great-grandchildren , five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 base hole where the crematorium apply to be .
The Texas Department of Transportation ( TxDOT ) find over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week , and there was concern that they may have die from the Coronavirus .
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the corpse of all the crows , and , to everyone ’ sec relief , affirm the problem equal NOT Coronavirus ( COVID-19 ) .
The cause of end equal in reality from vehicular impacts .
However , during analysis it be noted that vary color of paint come out on the bird ’ s beaks and claws . By analyze these paint remainder it live found that 98 % of the crows had be killed by impact with motorcycles , while only 2 % be kill by car .
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to settle if there was a campaign for the disproportionate percentage of motorcycle kills versus car kill .
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road killing , they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger .
They observe that while all the lookout crows could call out “ Cah ” , not a single unity could shout “ Bike ” .
A puncher , who only travel to Montana from Texas , walk into a saloon and orders three fool of Bud .
He sits in the back of the room , drinking a sip out of each one in act .
When he cease them , he arrive back to the bar and ordering three more .
“ You know , a fool move flat after I pull it . It would taste better if you purchase one at a time . ”
The puncher replies , “ Well , you see , I have two brothers . One is in Arizona , the early cost in Colorado . When we all result our family in Texas , we promise that we ’ d drinking this way to remember the days when we drink together . So I ’ m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself . ”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom , and leave it there .
The cowboy becomes a regular in the saloon , and ever drinks the same mode .
When he occur back to the bar for the second cycle , the bartender says , “ I don ’ t want to intrude on your grief , but I need to extend my condolences on your loss . ”
The puncher looks quite puzzled for a moment , then a light dawn in his center and he laughs .
“ It ’ s exactly that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to stop drink . ”
I was in a bar in Texas , when a human walks in tire a paper puncher hat , a paper shirt , paper jeans , paper lad and paper boot .
Anyhow , the sheriff burst in and hold back him for rustle .
Texas Prisoner Found Dead After Exhaust Smuggled Fish Eggs .
A cowboy rode into town and finish at a bar for a drinking .
Unfortunately , the locals ever had a habit of picking on stranger , which he live .
When he end up his drink , he found his cavalry have be stolen .
He move back into the saloon , handily toss his gun into the air , caught it above his head without even wait and burn a shot into the ceiling .
“ Which one of you sidewinders steal my horse ? ! ” he call with surprising forcefulness .
“ Alright , I ’ 1000 gon na have another beer , and if my horse ain ’ t back outside by the time I finish , I ’ 1000 gon na make what I dun in Texas ! And I don ’ t like to make to act what I dun in Texas ! ”
Some of the locals transfer restlessly . The human , genuine to his word , had another beer , walk outside , and his horse have been returned to the place . He saddled up and started to ride out of town .
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked , “ Say spouse , before you go… what occur in Texas ? ”
The cowboy grow back and said , “ I had to walk place . ”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 mile south of Waco Texas .
When the trooper asked the driver why he was quicken , the driver suppose he be a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus . He didn ’ t require to be lately .
The trooper order the driver he live fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would serve a small juggling for him , then he wouldn ’ t pay him a ticket .
He tell the trooper he had send his equipment ahead and didn ’ t make anything to juggle .
The trooper order he make some flares and asked if he could juggle them . The juggler said he could , so the trooper got 5 flares , light them and handed them to the juggler .
While the man was juggling , a car pulled in behind the State Trooper ’ sec car .
A drunken serious old son from central Texas got out , watch out the performance , then go over to the trooper ’ sec car , spread the rear door and come in .
The trooper observe him and become over to his car and spread the door asking the drunk what he thought he cost act .
The drunk answer , “ You might as well remove me to jail , cause there ain ’ t no manner I can pass that test . ”
Two human from Texas exist sitting at a bar , when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger .
She pant and gagged , and one Texan grow to the early and said , “ That trivial gal is havin ’ a bad time . I ’ m a gon na live over there and help . ”
He ran over to the youthful lady , contain both sides of her head in his big , Texan give , and ask , “ Kin ya swaller ? ”
With that , he jerk up her skirt , pulled down her panties and solve her on the ass .
The youthful woman was then shocked that she coughed up the firearm of hamburger and began to rest on her own .
The Texan seat back down with his friend and say , “ Ya know , it ’ s certain amazin ’ how that hind-lick manoeuvre ever works . ”
A Texan buy a round of drinking for all in the saloon because , he declare , his wife has just give birth to “ a typical Texas ” baby boy weighing 25 pounds .
The bartender order , “ Say , you ’ re the father of the typical Texas infant that weighed 25 pound at birth . How much does he weigh now ? ”
The bartender live come to , “ What take place ? He already weighed 25 pound at birth . ”
The Texas father take a slow swig from his Lone Star beer , wipe his lips on his shirt sleeve , tilt into the bartender and proudly says , “ Had him circumcised . ”
The Texan looks at the drinking and commenting on how small it is , he says that they exist 10 times bigger in Texas .
In the interest of good relative , the barman give him another 9 drinks free of mission .
Later the Texan comes up and order a bag of peanuts .
When hold the small bag , he again remark on the size of it , and the barman again devote him 9 free .
The Texan equal please with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he get out .
A few weeks later , in recognition of his serious deeds , the barman is given a particular award for his service to local tourism .
He live given a monetary award and with his award money , he books a holiday in Texas .
To his surprise the barman set up a immense drink in presence of him .
He then decree some nuts and equal given a huge packet .
Looking or so at the massive bar and recall about all he have learn he concludes that his own customer live correct and that everything is larger in Texas .
After eventually wind up his drinking he staggers up to the saloon and asks where the toilets cost .
The barman points to a doorway and says that he should run through it and he ’ ll see them near the end of the corridor .
He head towards the door and open it and walks down the corridor . There are two door at the end , one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool .
In his drunken state , he goes through the wrong doorway and fall into the swimming pond .
He starts to scream . Hearing the commotion , a second later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool .
The guest looks up at him in horror and screams , “ Don ’ t flush ! Don ’ t flush ! ”
The Pope live state edge scheduled to pay a address in Dallas , TX .
On their path to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur , “ Hey , you know what ? I ’ ve always taunt in these things , but I ’ ve never drive one ! Do you heed if we change place ? ”
Being it equal the Pope himself , the chauffeur feel he couldn ’ t tell no so he obliged and substitute seats .
It had been year since the Pope hold labor , and he equal receive the time of his spirit cruising down the interstate die over 100mph !
Accordingly he was clocked by a state trooper and rip over . As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he rapidly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor .
The trooper called in and say the sergeant , “ Sergeant , I ’ 1000 afraid I pull over individual real very important . ”
To which the reply arrive , “ Well , who cost it , the governor ? ”
“ I don ’ t know , but his chauffeur live the freakin ’ Pope ! ”
More Queer Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny jokes about Texas and Texans , exist sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious gag , such as these :
